Tim Watches The Worst Of The WWE Network: WCW Great American Bash 2000
Back to RussoLand!!
I recently saw a thread over on the Wrestling Observer Board about the worst WCW PPV’s of all time. Great American Bash 2000 was one show that was mentioned by multiple people. The video package doesn’t do much to dispel that rumor. Goldberg returned to WCW, helped Nash a bunch of times, and was arrested by Eric Bischoff. This is during the whole New Blood vs. Millionaires Club angle.
Oh no, Ric Flair is wrestling David Flair. Tank Abott vs. Scott Steiner? Hogan vs Kidman? Jarrett vs. Nash for the title? Some match with Sting and Vampiro and fire? Yeah, this has to be a terrible show. Apparently if Ric loses to David, his career is over.
Ugh. The Misfits in Action are out to start the show. Major Gunns still looks like a total prostitute. They all look like complete idiots. Lt. Loco is defending his cruiserweight title against Disco Inferno. Loco pulls a grenade out of his pocket. He threatens to kill the Filthy Animals. What the fuck is happening? He pulled out a grenade and threatened to kill the Filthy Animals. Juvy, Konnan, Tigress and Rey Mysterio are all out with Disco. Disco is wrestling in a Kobe Bryant jersey and basketball shorts. He looks like every awful white guy who thinks that wearing a jersey will make him a better basketball player. He should have dressed like Harley Race and maybe he would have been a better wrestler. Disco gets tossed outside and the MIA attack him. And there’s no DQ. Is this a lumberjack match? Also, the announcers mention that Hogan’s career is on the line against Kidman tonight. If you like watching guys not wearing wrestling gear wrestle, this match is for you. This is like a 205 Live match, in the sense that it is two smaller guys having a completely boring match. Some old man comes out and tries to pick up Tigress. They are calling him pops. Konnan pushes him, and he has a heart attack. The ref gets distracted and Juvy interferes, Loco stops him, Disco hits a stunner, but Cajun hits Loco and wins. Right away everyone jumps in and everyone starts fighting. The Animals leave the MIA laying and just walk away. The old guy is still knocked out, so the rest of MIA convince Gunns to give him mouth to mouth. She needs to strip first, so she rips her shirt off and gyrates a little in the least sexy manner possible. She looks dumb as shit too. Just awful. What an awful way to start the show.
We are backstage now with the Cat and Eric Bischoff. They are concerned about something.
Now an interview with the Mamalukes. They are wrestling Kronik. Oh my. Gene tries to start trouble with…
OH MY GOD!! If you ordered the PPV you could get an inflatable Hulkster raft! Like a boat, that was inflatable, with the Hulkster logo on it. I NEED one of those.
Anyways, the Mamalukes are out. Gene was trying to start trouble between the two of them because Vito was the Hardcore champ and not Johnny the Bull. Two roided Bryans (or Brians?) are out. They are very tanned, very juiced, and just all around awful. The winner of this match will be the #1 contenders to Shawn Stasiak and Chuck Palumbo. Vito refuses to take the belt off. Johnny Bull and Bryan Bomb start off. Johnny’s offense is pathetic. Shane McMahon level punches. The crowd actually pops for some of the stuff Kronik is doing, which is fascinating. Vito tags in and wrestles with the belt on. He’s a little better than Johnny, but not by much. Bryan Bomb tries a tilt a whirl back breaker and his knee catches Johnny on the head. That looked awful. Brian Crush is in now. He might actually be the best guy in the whole match. Think about that. Crush is the best wrestler in a match. Oh lord. Get this. Crush presses Johnny over his head and just drops him on his knee. No control, nothing. Just dropped him straight down. I thought Johnny was dead. What a reckless move. God this match feels like it is taking 3 years. Crush hits a crazy looking head drop on Vito, and of course Vito kicks out. Johnny is back in the ring, and he botches a jump to the top rope to a hilarious degree. Vito is outside talking to the announcers because his belt came off. So of course Johnny goes to tag and there’s no one there. Kronik hits High Times and gets the win. Vito gets his belt back and that’s all he cares about.Another awful match.
TO THE BACK for Pamela to interview DDP about his ambulance (which she can’t even say) match against Mike Awesome. I guess Awesome had put Kanyon out of action. Page also calls his soon to be ex-wife Kimberly a bitch.
“Career Killer” Mike Awesome is out first. Better than Fat Chick Thriller I suppose. DDP is out second, and he wheels Kanyon out with him. Kanyon is in a wheelchair with a halo on. What are the odds he doesn’t stand up and turn on Page? This is a Russo show after all. They start off hot and both guys hit the ref. Because there doesn’t need to be a ref here. The match ends when one guy is in the ambulance. They do one of my least favorite spots of all time: the chair fight. An all-time dumb spot. When they wrestle, it’s actually pretty good. There’s a stretcher out, too. So is this a stretcher match? Do you have to put the guy on the stretcher to get him in the ambulance? Now Awesome is in control and gets a table from under the ring. One of the announcers says “this isn’t a table match” and another one says “that’s later.” So what’s the point of doing the stupid table spot here? Awesome power bombs Page through the table, and two EMTs put Page on the gurney and start wheeling him towards the ambulance. I guess it’s a mix of an ambulance and stretcher match? Page crawls back to the ring but Awesome is waiting with a chair. Awesome hits two top rope big splashes, which is impressive as shit for a guy his size to do. He sandwiches Page between two chairs and goes to the top for a third. Page moves and Awesome crashes into the chair. Kimberly is out now with a big steel pipe. Oh man. She hits Page with it and the thing bends. It’s a rubber pipe. Awesome. Miss Hancock comes out and drags Kimberly to the back. Now there’s an attractive pair. Honestly, the pipe shot was one of the funniest things I have ever seen.
Awesome tries to set Page up for a top rope Awesome Bomb, but DDP hits a low blow and a Diamond Cutter off the top. Awesome is on the stretcher, and right before he gets to the ambulance, Eric Bischoff’s music hits. Bischoff starts to threaten Kanyon with a chair. DDP stops this, but Kanyon stands up and delivers a Kanyon Cutter off the stage to DDP. What a shock!! Kanyon puts DDP on the stretcher and takes off his DDP shirt to reveal a New Blood shirt. Awesome wins the match. Not a bad match until Kimberly interfered. From there it’s all bullshit, and it wasn’t even needed considering that it really didn’t build to the end of the match. It just happened and then all the other shit happened. So a really good match that turned into the typical Vince Russo shit show.
G.I. Bro rides a zip line down to the ring. Shawn Stasiak is apparently his opponent. He is also dressed like a soldier. This is a boot camp match, which is just a last man standing match but where both dudes are dressed as soldiers. So they brawl around the ring, and then outside into the front row. They are already doing the counting spot after mediocre brawling about 2 minutes into the match. Shawn might be bleeding. The face paint makes it very hard to tell. Stasiak is awful, and the 10 count gimmick doesn’t do the match any favors, but Booker T is good enough at this point to make this at least watchable. Both men do a good job of portraying intensity and making it seem like winning is important. Stasiak hits a great top rope clothesline that would have been a great near fall but having Booker stay down for 8 seconds is a bit bullshit. There’s not a ton to say about this as it’s mostly average brawling, laying down for an 8 count, and then more average brawling. Booker is wearing this weird vest the whole time. When they actually go into the ring and do wrestling moves, it’s actually a bit enjoyable. Shawn hits a nice gut wrench power bomb for a near fall. Or near count out? Booker starts a comeback and hits the Bookend for an 8 count. After a missile dropkick, Chuck Palumbo runs out with a pipe. Booker cuts him off but Stasiak grabs the pipe and nails Booker T. It’s not a pipe, it’s the old muscle flexer gimmick. Ugh. Now both guys are just beating on Booker, but Booker comes back and lays both guys out with a double clothesline. He runs his comeback on both guys, hits Stasiak with the flexer and gets the win. Right before the end, Hudson says that Booker and Stasiak have been wrestling for 20 minutes. No, it only felt that way. Another overbooked mess. I think they could have had a decent 8 minute match, but they did a 13 minute match with a stupid gimmick to allow the stupid run in. Stupid.
Kanyon is backstage packing his bag and Mean Gene comes in to yell at him. Kanyon cuts a completely average promo. He says that Bischoff promised him DDP’s spot if he took DDP out. But Page wasn’t out. They had footage of him leaving the ambulance. In the background there is a Goldberg monster truck. Is there anything worse than monster trucks in wrestling? Has there ever been one good angle involving a monster truck?
Oh Christ almighty, here comes Shane Douglas. AND he has a mic. I’m sure this will be GREAT. He calls everyone pieces of shit. Oh, so edgy. He basically attempts to cut an ECW Shane Douglas promo in front of people who don’t give a shit. Of course he gets a Dick Flair line in. He is wrestling the Wall, and he guarantees that he is going to chop the wall down to size. Sounds like we should send him to work at a Target down on our southern border. He challenges The Wall to a best of 5 tables match. A tables match isn’t bad enough, now we need to have a best of 5 tables match. The Wall comes out and says no, I only wrestle in scientific matches.
Of course not, he accepts and we will kill the table gimmick. Didn’t someone go through a table earlier tonight? Hang on…yeah, during the ambulance match. And it didn’t lead to the finish. So the table spot is so dangerous that not only did it not lead to the finish earlier, but we are going to see guys go through them here and continue until they go through a third. A lot of times during these matches I say something like “at least the wrestling isn’t that bad.” Well, that’s not the case here. Also, Mark Madden calling everything “sports entertainment” is the most forced bullshit this side of Michael Cole. They are just stumbling around the ringside area brawling and Wall puts Douglas through the first table with a chokeslam. They stumble around a bit more and Wall sideslams Douglas through a second table.
Hopefully this will end three nothing. Douglas is up in the ring now just standing there, selling nothing, and he starts a comeback with a low blow. Oh come the fuck on. No one is selling anything. At all. Hudson even said that Wall is “no selling” the low blow. It’s ok for me to say that, but the commentator should NEVER say that. They walk to the entrance ramp area and there is a comedically large ladder there next to two stacked up tables. There are obviously two, and Scott Hudson says “there’s three tables there.” He might be the worst announcer of all time. For no reason they climb the ladder and start fighting. Douglas puts on some brass knucks and punches Wall through the table stack. Apparently they are saying the platform the two tables are on is also a table, so that is three tables and Douglas wins? What the fuck just happened? One of the worst matches I’ve seen in a long time. The Wall is already up. He took a bump off a huge ladder through two tables and a platform and he is just up here. He chokeslams the ref through another table. So many questions. Why was there a ladder set up? Why was there a tower of tables set up? Why didn’t anyone sell anything? Why would anyone care about table spots going forward?
We go backstage and Hollywood Hogan pulls up and starts yelling about someone getting their ass kicked. Madden makes a joke about Hogan looking as scared as a Nitro girl when the pregnancy test comes back. I actually chuckled at that one.
Tank Abbott is out now, and his opponent is the US Champ, the Big Bad Booty Daddy, Freakzilla himself, Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner. He’s out with two freaks. One of which is Midajah. The other one is another girl. So get this shit. Steiner comes in and they start brawling wildly. The announcer starts going on and on about the Asylum match (which apparently this is) being Scott Steiners match and because of that fact Russo and Bischoff have added Rick Steiner to the match as Tank’s partner. Rick Steiner takes forever to come out and Scott just beats the shit out of Tank. The Asylum is a tiny circular cage that comes down from the ceiling in the slowest manner possible. It is either moving in negative speed or was hanging 1,343,234 feet above the ring. Rick and Tank take over and they just stomp and kick Scott for a minute or two. The freaks get up on the ring apron and yell. I wouldn’t say they yell encouragement. They just kind of yell random things. Tank gets a chain out of his pocket, and that’s where Rick draws the line. Rick tells him no. Tank acts like he is going to put the chain away, but he hits Rick instead. This allows Scott to hit a low blow on Tank. Scott gets the chain, nails Tank, locks in the Steiner Recliner and gets the win. In like 4 minutes. That was anti-climactic. Another complete mess.
Another car pulls up backstage, and Ric Flair gets out of the limo with an ex-wife, his two daughters (including the current Raw women’s champ) and Reid in tow.
Now time for an interview with Mean Gene and Hollywood. Get this math. Gene says that Hogan has been wrestling for three decades. This is 2000, so that would mean that Hogan started in 1970. I assume he means he’s wrestled in three different decades, but it does not come across that way. Hogan says he’s going to stay around as long as he wants because he’s been etched in stone. Hulk makes sure to get the flea market line in. And Horace Hogan is the ref. He can’t be any worse as a ref than he was a wrestler.
Kidman is out first. Horace Hogan comes out with Kidman. That can’t bode well for his objectivity. Kidman wrestling against Hogan is kind of a huge joke. It was then too. I remember when this was taking place and it was just asking to suspend to much disbelief. Mark Madden makes sure to remind everyone that Hogan will never be as cool as Hall and Nash. And Hall and Nash will never be as over as Hogan, so I guess it’s a fair trade. They lock up and it just looks silly. It looks like one of my kids locking up with me. Hogan dominates him to start with just awful offense. The crowd really doesn’t give a damn either. Hogan makes sure he takes time while whipping Kidman’s ass to shake hands with people ringside and talk to some kids. Kidman takes over for a few seconds but since Horace won’t let him cheat that is short lived. Hogan regains control with a kick to the balls and starts whipping Kidman with his weight belt. God, and now they are back outside. Hogan grabs a chair but takes too long to pose with it and Kidman dropkicks the chair into Hogan. Kidman is finally allowed to take control with the chair. Since that was outside, apparently, that’s not a DQ. Kidman was in charge for maybe a minute and Hogan is back in control. Kidman manages to fluke into control again and is mad that Horace won’t help him win with a fast count. The crowd actually woke up here and is chanting Hogan. Hulk hears that and starts to Hulk up. If this was supposed to make Kidman look like a credible threat to Hogan or any main eventer, it is failing. The only time he gets control is when Hogan slips on a banana peel and he only has control for a few moments.
Torrie is out after Kidman gets put through the announce table. The crowd instantly ceases paying any attention to this match, and I can’t blame them one bit. Torrie hands Kidman brass knucks from the apron, but Kidman knocks Hogan into Torrie. While Horace is checking on Torrie Kidman gets the knucks and hits Hogan with a punch for a two count. I wonder if Sean Waltman is pissed about that too. Horace pulls Kidman off of Hogan, so Kidman nails Horace with the knucks. Kidman threatens Hogan with the knucks again, but Torrie comes in and hits Kidman in the balls. Hogan gets the knucks and hits Kidman with the punch for the three. What a bullshit match. Hogan takes the whole thing and Kidman looks like the biggest loser in wrestling history. Hogan takes some time to play to the crowd. Hulk and Horace are buddies again.
Eric Bischoff is on the phone with someone yelling about the PPV. Now he is yelling at the police officer in his locker room. A video package for David Flair vs. Ric Flair. A healthy dose of Vince Russo in this package. David is in the back with Pamela and Vince Russo. Russo is in a Yankees jersey, which is just reason number 43,464 for me to hate him. He yells into the mic. Ric Flair is back with Mean Gene. Ric looks like he would rather be anywhere else in the world. He delivers a lazy Ric Flair promo. The Flair family makes their way to the ringside area. Charlotte looks nervous as hell and seems like she would rather be anywhere else in the world.
David Flair is out first in jeans and a t-shirt. He’s accompanied by the biggest piece of crap in wrestling history, Vince Russo. Ric Flair is out next. It’s really sad to see Reid here. He was so young. Less than 15 years later he would no longer be with us. Heroin is fucked up. Flair is very far from game shape here. Maybe he should be wearing the t-shirt instead of David. David’s strikes are really bad. Like, “how can you watch this shit it’s so phony” bad. David does manage to deliver a pretty nice suplex. Ric Flair takes over and rips David’s shirt off to deliver chops. Something happens (not going to lie, I was really going in and out here) and Flair ends up outside and Russo hand cuffs him. David brings Flair back in and puts on a legendarily bad figure four leg lock. Russo helps give David some leverage, so Reid Flair runs in and hits Russo with a low blow. Reid takes the handcuff keys and gets Ric unlocked. Charlotte makes her debut by putting the cuffs on Russo and getting called a bitch. For some reason this is still going. David tries to go to the top, but he’s a flair so Rick cuts him off and tosses him. Ric locks in the figure four and gets the win. Flair chops Russo for good measure. Ric’s family comes into the ring and celebrates before leaving. Probably the worst Ric Flair match of all time.
Vince Russo, with his shirt off, says the word shit and calls Reid and Charlotte bitches. What a lovely human being he is. Just think of how much better this industry would be if Vince Russo was never part of it.
A spooky video package detailing the Sting and Vampiro feud building to their human torch match. The loser has to watch another terrible Fantastic Four remake. I think this is like the old WWE inferno match, where the only way to win is to light your opponent on fire.
The only way to win is to light your opponent on fire.
The. Only. Way. To. Win. Is. To. Light. Your. Opponent. On. Fire.
Vince Russo is just the worst. Dirt worst.
Vamp is out with a gas can and a torch. They show the fire department outside. Like, outside the arena. Maybe they should be a little closer to the action. Sting is on top of the…Turnertron I guess, and he hauls up this torch that Vampiro had lit on fire. He has a mic and challenges Vampiro to come up and fight him on top of the screen. Now the ref is basically telling Vamp that he has to go up there. Vamp goes and yells at the announcers that this is bullshit. Sting just comes down. What the hell was the point of that? The screen is called “Nitro Vision.” Tony even points out how stupid this is because this is the Great American Bash. Apparently the only way to win is to use the torch that was provided to light your opponent on fire. So if he uses other flames, he loses? Is it a DQ if he lights him on fire with something else? And why is there a ref? To ensure that the proper flames are used? Vamp dumps gasoline or kerosene onto Sting. Fuck it, it’s flammable, his hunger is unexplainable. Sting is drenched in whatever this flammable substance is and they brawl up towards the Nitro Vision. Hudson said that you knew it had to end with a human torch match. Why? Why on earth would anyone think that? Tony says he isn’t sure anyone wants to see this. That’s the truth. They are climbing up the set, and Vamp is going first and Sting is following. Vamp kicks Sting off the screen onto the stage and onto an obvious crash pad. Just a hilarious visual. Sting gets up and climbs up to meet Vamp at the top of the screen. The lights start doing this awful flickering and Hudson claims it’s a lightning effect from Sting. So their unwatchable brawl gets even more unwatchable due to the lightning and terrible camera work. They disappear for brief periods and suddenly reappear to continue their shitty brawl. Now the lights go out completely, Vamp gets the torch and the lights come back on in time to show “Sting” get lit on fire, stagger about the top of the screen, and fall down onto another crash pad.
They have a bunch of goofs come out with a fire extinguisher and put Sting out while the announcers go into the “hushed serious wrestling announcer voice” that they use when they are trying to convince you that the hokey shit you just watched was real. “He’s a father!!” and “get the camera off of that bastard!” are some of the brilliant calls here. The stage fills up with smoke that is supposed to be the discharge from the fire extinguishers. What an all-time bad segment in pro wrestling history. Terrible match, terrible angle, horrible taste. Hudson and Tony lament about this not being wrestling anymore and Mark Madden is trying to be too cool for school. Tony was hoping that only a small part of someone’s body would get lit on fire. They replay the bump from the top about 6 times while acting disgusted. Also, this is the peak of WCW calling it “sports entertainment” instead of pro wrestling. You think WWE announcers are bad? This is about 100 times worse.
Pamela is backstage with Eric Bischoff. He says that the big surprise he promised is cancelled and there will be no big surprise. Because Goldberg is lurking around.
Alright! Michael Buffer doing intros for the main event, which means intros for Kevin Nash. LOVE this. “Regarded as one of the greatest big men in wrestling history. His Jackknife powerbomb has beaten men all over the world.” Who regarded Nash as anything other than a big stiff? Jarrett is introduced as the man with the stroke. World Champion Jeff Jarrett never seems right. Just something that should have never happened. After both guys are introduced, Ernest Miller makes his way to the ring. He pulls a letter out of his pocket and asks for the fans attention. He also tells them to shut the hell up. God, he mumbles and stumbles through a promo about introducing celebrity guests. He is going to induce them to us. I think he meant introduce, but there you go. The special guest bell ringer is K-Dogg. The special time keeper is Rey Mysterio Jr. And the special “belt keeper” is Disco Inferno. Madden does have a good line when he says “that’s the closest he’ll get to that belt.” Juvy is the special ring announcer. And The Cat is the special ringside enforcer. So basically the New Blood stacked the deck against Nash by giving roles to the Filthy Animals and the Cat. Remember when Vince would do this against Austin and make the stooges time keepers and what not? Well, WCW is hoping you do!! The difference is that Austin was over as a babyface, Vince was over as a heel, and the stooges were over as stooges. No one involved with this situation is over.
Literally 15 seconds into the match everyone jumps onto the apron to distract Nash and allow Jarrett to take control. They have the match that you would expect Jarrett and Kevin Nash to have in 2000. That is to say not very good. The announcers are talking about the surprise and the building shaking. They also talk about some sound that I didn’t hear but shocked everyone and brought the match to a halt. The match that consisted of slow brawling and plodding around. Madden keeps calling Nash the “Sexycutioner.” What an awful nickname. This wasn’t announced as a no count out match, or a street fight, or anything else, but for some reason they are just fighting out into the crowd and there is no counting or anything else. I feel like this is an awful TNA main event only in a much larger arena with a bigger crowd to brawl through. When they make their way back to ring area, Rey hits Nash with a chair and the Animals toss him back into the ring. Not a DQ. Jarret brings the chair into the ring and starts going to work, and that’s not a DQ. The ref does take the chair away. Does this mean that using the chair is frowned upon, but not illegal? The commentary is essentially a verbal fellatio of Kevin Nash. He’s so tough, he’s so big, he’s so dangerous. Jarrett works on the leg so he locks on a half crab. Madden tries to claim that this works on the knee. No, it does not. It bends your knee in the correct way. And now he locks on the figure four, but he was working the wrong knee, so it just looks silly. They lay in the figure four forever. It takes a dedication to laziness to make the figure four into a rest hold.
Nash finally makes the ropes, and once he is up Konnan hits him with the ring bell. This gets a two count. Now Nash gets into his comeback and gets two off the sideslam. Rey tries to interfere and gets caught. Jarrett attempts a belt shot but gets thwarted. Disco runs in and breaks up the pinfall. Juvy hits Nash with a chair. What a fucking mess. Now Cat is in to ref because Disco beat the ref up. Nash kicks out of a fast count. Disco is back in but he gets a sidewalk slam. Rey eats a big boot. Jarrett hits the Stroke in all this. OH MY GOD TOO MUCH HAPPENING!!!!!! Nash kicks out. Jarrett gets the guitar, but Nash ducks and hits a chokeslam. Cat counts to two and then stops, acting as if he has something in his eye. So, Nash jackknifes him. Seems fair. Big boot to Jarrett and he drops the straps. Jackknife to Jarrett, Charles Robinson comes down to count, but now Rick Steiner runs out? Tank Abbott starts to run out, but Scott Steiner stops him? Or maybe the other way around? WHAT THE FUCK!!!?? The Animals and Rick Steiner (hell of a team) beat the hell out of Nash. Now the Goldberg monster truck is coming down to the ring. Wrestling loved monster trucks in the 00’s. Goldberg’s music hits and he comes down and spears… Kevin Nash. This is the second dumbest idea in WCW history. Think of the ground that covers. This is the big surprise. Surprise! We turned our one over babyface heel!! SWERVE!! Bischoff and Russo come down to ringside, because it’s important to remember that it’s not the guys in the ring that are important, but the guys behind the scenes. Goldberg hugs Russo and Bischoff. Jarrett celebrates off camera because no one cares about him. People flood the ring with garbage. As opposed to the garbage WCW flooded the ring with for the last three hours.
What an awful show. A complete indictment of Vince Russo and, to a degree, Eric Bischoff. At least Bischoff succeeded at some point. That’s three hours of my life I will never get back. I will never understand the thought process behind turning Goldberg here. There were no over faces on this show, at all, aside from Goldberg, and you turn him heel for no reason other than to create a swerve. Goldberg as the last guy standing against the New Blood is a plausible story that people could have gotten behind. Him as a hired gun of the New Blood against Nash is not. Just an all-around awful show that had no real redeeming qualities. I have no idea what I am going to watch next, but it can’t really be much worse than this.