Raw kicks off with me missing the beginning of it! I am assured that for some reason Goldberg was mic’d up while he did his very long backstage walk, but I used that precious time to collect myself and get ready for what is probably going to be a long night.
Goldberg is 6 days away from getting his heart, the Universal championship. Ohhh I get it now! Wasn’t he the Universal Soldier before? Maybe he kind of just thinks he’s owed this championship. He says Kevin Owens talks too much, but just a little bit of Goldberg talk and I think I’m fine with an abundance of Kevin Owens. Who thankfully joins the opening segment party and tells Goldberg about all the people he’s taken out in his path and that Goldy is next in his evolution. KO teases a Green Bay Street Fight! But of course we’re left with him leaving Goldberg standing in the ring as he walks away the superior man. This crowd is dead.
The Oscar Joke!!
It’s here and we only had to wait until the second segment. New Day is out to talk more about their booty-os and ice cream and talk about how they’re fighting The Shining Stars. There’s a real “I give no fucks” moment from Big E where he says he’ll take the shine off the Shining Stars then says he didn’t write that. The Oscar joke comes when someone rushes into the ring and tells New Day that they were wrong and are facing the wrong team – New Day is really fighting Handsome Rusev and Jinder Mahal. They even show an incorrect envelope. Yikes. Way to stay with the times.
New Day (Xavier & Big E) vs Handsome Rusev & Jinder Mahal
This is nothing new. New Day beat the bad guys while Jinder and RuRu argue over where to the place the blame. I’ll tell you where you can’t place the blame: HANDSOME RURU. This guy and Lana are gold, WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?
Winners: New Day
Enzo and Cass cut a promo where Cass basically tells Enzo all the reasons they are not a good tag team and I can’t help but agree. Enzo is being pretty stupid the entire segment while Cass seems to realize maybe he should prep to win a match.
Sheamus is piping mad about not being the #1 Contenders for the tag titles, but Cesaro waxes poetic to calm Big Red down. Samoa Joe interrupts and we bask in the glory that is Indy greatness while Joe mocks Cesaro about the brass ring grabbing. Cesaro talks about Joe wearing HHH’s jock strap. Cesaro keeps his cool throughout even as Sheamus talks about kicking his teeth in (could be face in I do not have the powers of DVR). Cesaro will take care of it. I love, love, love this team. Must mean they’re breaking them up soon.
We get ONE MORE SEGMENT WITHOUT A MATCH because who wants those? This one is Stephanie pretending she wants to apologize to Mick for being rude to him but really it’s just her saying how feeble and old Mick is right now while HHH who ended Mick’s career grows stronger. It’s all that young talent he eats. Mmmmm…
Akira Tozawa vs Noam Dar
They are going all in on Akira Tozawa. I am not unhappy about it, I think he has the power to get over. I am however just in love with THE Brian Kendrick. He has a segment that plays over Tozawa’s entrance about Tozawa not wanting his mentorship and how he’s already taught him two lessons, and will continue on. This is another good match from Tozawa and Dar, but it only serves to lead us into the Kendrick/Tozawa feud. It’s over when Tozawa hits a german suplex and Kendrick attacks after the match is over. That’s lesson #3! Have eyes in the back of your head and know the match is never over. Stop giving everyone all your hints Brian!
Winner: Akira Tozawa
Samoa Joe is kind of getting bullied tonight but I guess since he keeps walking into segments trying to bully others he deserves it. He’s here to bug Mick Foley who calls him HHH’s puppet and puts him in a match with Cesaro later. Now this is exciting.
Charlotte & Dana Brooke vs Sasha Banks & Bayley
Charlotte comes out and tears Bayley down and does a really great job comparing her to all kinds of fads and people that just fade away. She says Bayley is a fake because she’s supposed to be wholesome but wouldn’t give up the belt last week. It kind of falls apart when she can’t remember that Brett Favre is the quarterback who I just wish would fade away from Green Bay. Bayley enters and cuts a promo that does nothing for me even though it’s about how she’s followed her dreams and her next dream is …THE WRESTLEMANIA SIGN! Sasha follows because we need all the women wrestlers talking in one segment, and she makes sure we know Bayley deserves this. This fell apart for me pretty fast. Charlotte says Sasha is stealing Bayley’s spotlight and changes the match swapping out Dana Brooke for Nia Jax.
There is a point in this match where Sasha starts calling Charlotte a stupid face and the crowd picks it up for a second and I die a little inside. It’s pretty telling that Nia Jax picks up the win in pretty convincing fashion and gets the win over Bayley. It seems the rumors of a 4 woman Raw Championship match may become reality.
Winners: Charlotte and Nia Jax
BRAUN wants a contract signing tonight with Roman Reigns and who is Mick Foley to deny him? Well he’s the General Manager so he could, but he won’t. So Good, yay, a contract signing. Maybe it’ll even end the show!
Big Cass (w/Enzo Amore) vs Luke Gallows (w/Karl Anderson)
It’s just a match where they try to show us the audience that Big Cass is a force to be reckoned with and a real threat to the tag champs. There are some slight Karl Anderson distractions, but Enzo comes out on top and Cass still manages to pick up the win. If you ask me, the big story here is that Big Cass wore a shirt that covered both nipples tonight and that is a lot for me to take in.
Enzo and Cass are doing nothing to get themselves over with me. A friend even commented to me that Cass can’t even commit to the lines he delivers every week.
Winner: Big Cass
Sheamus vs Titus O’Neil
Because Sheamus embarrassed Titus earlier on facebook live. Or something. Titus comes out swinging but then we get the outcome we all expected – Sheamus brogue kicks Titus and we get out of this pretty quickly. How is this a show so far?
There is a package for Seth Rollins that is better than anything that has been on Raw so far tonight.
He comes out then to talk about his chances for Wrestlemania and cuts a pretty good heartbroken promo which the crowd completely shits on. This crowd is hot garbage, so thank you Green Bay. He obviously seems to be faking his injury and playing it up, and he says it doesn’t look like he’ll be at Wrestlemania. HHH interrupts and says he knows he won’t be there and comes out and tells Seth how he’s a failure while Samoa Joe hangs out on the ring apron. He says he’s done playing with Rollins and he absolutely should not show up. Rollins says he told Stephanie a month ago he didn’t have anything left and so he WILL be at Mania and it’ll be the last thing HHH ever does if he shows up to fight him.
I liked this entire segment except for how uncomfortable the crowd made it. Random CM Punk chants, no reaction to Rollins who I think killed it. Crowds really can make or break a segment and this one almost ruined this, but I liked it anyway. It is sad that it’s pretty much the only good part of tonight so far.
Big Show vs The Shining Stars
Yeah. This happened. Big Show won. We can all forget it.
Winner: Big Show
There’s a backstage segment here between Neville and Tony Nese where Neville tells Tony to stay focused on Jack Gallagher but Tony Nese is focused on himself, the premiere athlete! Nice little segment. I can get behind Tony Nese and Neville is on fire.
Jack Gallagher & TJ Perkins vs Neville & Tony Nese
This match is basically a showcase to show how everyone hates Neville, even the heels, and that Tony Nese is the weak link here. He’s made an example of by Gallagher to Neville and taps easily while Gallagher stares Neville down.
Winners: Jack Gallagher & TJ Perkins
Backstage promo with Sasha and Bayley where Steph says Sasha will have her own spotlight to stand in Sunday when she fights Nia Jax. Again. Okay.
Samoa Joe vs Cesaro
I really wanted to love this match tonight, but with Cesaro selling the knee injury from the beginning, it’s a pretty quick match. It makes sense because Joe should just be running over people, but I would have enjoyed one match tonight with some substantial great wrestling. It’s been a boring night. Would have liked this as a main event.
Joe is interviewed at the top of the ramp after and he says it doesn’t matter if the people like you and he’s interrupted by Sami Zayn attacking from the side. I would like this more if I thought Sami Zayn was going to win this inevitable match, which he won’t.
Winner: Samoa Joe
Contract Signing: Roman Reigns & BRAUN w/Mick Foley
BRAUN spends some time talking down to Mick Foley who finally snaps and says he may be almost out as GM and he may be old but he’s a legend! BRAUN laughs at him and Roman makes the save and we fight through the crowd. Again. At least the crowd cheers while people go through it. Roman manages to spear BRAUN along with a security guard and take him down while he goes to sign the contract but BRAUN is too strong so he gets up and DESTROYS the top rope with the force of Roman being thrown into the turnbuckle. This is a clusterfuck. It ends the show. It happens.
Final Thoughts: This was a bad, boring show. Skip it, but maybe watch the HHH/Rollins stuff. It is the only thing worth while.
WATCH THIS MATCH: Err..uh…well..Bayley & Sasha Banks vs Nia Jax and Charlotte I guess.
SKIP THIS MATCH: Big Show vs Shining Stars, Sheamus vs Titus, really don’t go out of your way to watch ANY of these.
WOW WHAT A NIGHT! Good times have to be around the corner, right?
Find me at hm_pufnstuf on twitter so we can talk about how much I hated this show tonight, but how much I do love wrestling.