Tim Watches The Worst Of The WWE Network: WCW Uncensored 2000
In 1999, WCW did a surprisingly high PPV buy rate for Uncensored. The show was main evented by Hulk Hogan taking on Ric Flair in a wacky cage match. Barbed wire was insinuated, but not actually promised. The show did one of the best rates of the year for WCW, so what better way for the new booking group in WCW to try and achieve some quick success than to have a rematch the following year? Only this time, instead of a wacky cage match, it’s a wacky strap match!! That’s right, it’s a Yapapi Strap Match, brother! Welcome to WCW Uncensored 2000!!
Sting and Luger are facing off in a lumberjack match, but the lumberjacks will all be wearing casts! Hogan vs Flair!! Sid vs Jeff Jarrett!! WHAT A SHOW!!! Sid said that you cannot be the master of the master. Poetic.
Flair, Luger and Liz are walking into the building. Hogan and Sid are talking about watching each others back and how they can’t trust anyone. JJ and The Harris Twins are walking in the back and promising a big surprise. In typical WCW fashion, a big ass limo pulls up backstage. Tony insinuates this could be related to Jarrett’s surprise.
Starting out with a cruiserweight title match used to be such an awesome thing. Now it’s The Artist. The purple here is so ironic given the similarities to this 2000 cruiser division and Raw’s current 205 division. No one is over, the most talented guys are on the sideline, and it’s smaller guys wrestling like the bigger guys. Psicosis is his opponent tonight, and he is accompanied by Juventud Guerrera. I still can’t believe that WCW took the masks off all of these guys. The Artist is wearing slacks and a button down shirt, continuing the tradition of wrestlers who are awful doing the same. Right when the bell rings some music starts playing and Chris Candido comes out. This gives Madden a chance to talk about “internet rumors” so I am sure he is hard.
Candido joins the commentary team, which instantly plays to his weakness. In the ring, an irish whip is botched to a comical degree. You could put Drew Gulak and Mustafa Ali on Raw Monday night and they would probably have this exact match. Just so plain. It’s not awful, but no one cares, there is nothing exciting, and Candido is AWFUL on commentary. Wait. Boring match, bad commentary, no one cares. If only the ropes were purple. Juvy yelling and screaming outside is working harder than either guy in the ring. Psicosis takes control and hits a few exciting moves and the people get a bit into it, so of course Paisley and Juvy have a cat fight to take the crowd out of it. And you read that right, they had a cat fight. Psicosis hits the leg drop but gets up to yell at Paisley. This lets the Artist recover and hit his jumping DDT off the second rope for the win. The people do react to that move. They piped in boos. The people in the crowd are just standing there and all you hear is BOOOOO. This was like a **1/2 match but it felt more like a *1/2 match because no one gave a shit.
Gene is interviewing Bam Bam Bigelow about his match with the Wall. Oh boy. Apparently Bigelow brought him into the business and trained him. Thanks Bam Bam. Dick.
Lenny Lane and Lodi are out and they are called XS? I have zero recall of this. Maybe I quit watching WCW at this point. Lodi is now Rave apparently. I guess being called XS is an excuse for them to just throw X’s up like DX. Miss Hancock comes out to confront her former team. Lane says that Hancock isn’t close to being Rizat material. Oh, how insider. She says that they are extra small. I really hope she isn’t on commentary, which means she is! The Demon and Norman Smiley are the opponents here, and they are both dressed like the Demon. That Demon entrance has to be the worst return of investment ever. Demon and Smiley have become great fans apparently. The announcers are fawning all over Miss Hancock. Norman tries to get the Demon to wiggle. That might be the only thing that can save this match. Norman delivers some cock based offense followed by the Big Wiggle. Hancock talks about her new team: Silver King and El Dandy. WHY AREN’T THEY OUT HERE?? There is a great botch of a double clothesline spot. First week of wrestling school bad. You can assume Smiley wasn’t involved. Lodi is all time bad. Some stuff happens and Norman locks in the Norman Conquest to give “The Screaming Demons” the win. Rave and Lane are right up to go yell at Hancock. So nothing matters here. Smiley and Demon save her and bring her to the ring to dance. She gives Norman the Big Wiggle. The ref wiggles. The Demon kind of wiggles. What a segment.
Booker and Kidman are yelling at each other backstage. Maybe not yelling, but arguing.
David Flair yells at Daffney. He did yell.
Tony threatens us with the Wall vs. Bam Bam Bigelow. Supposedly they have been beaten down by the Wall. Oh, and now they show it. They also show Bieglow take some comedic bumps through tables for the Wall. Tenay says that Wall is trying to “get himself over.” Tough to watch Bigelow on these shows. Tough to watch Wall on any show. Second guy on this show to wrestle in slacks and a shirt. Also awful. The Artist is just glad that he can’t be the worst guy on this show to do it. These two hit the crap out of each other early, so that’s nice. One minute in and this is the most competent match of the night thus far. Wall’s punches are something to see. Even John Cena would be like “hey man, work on those.” They brawl outside and end up near a table, because the Wall, and Wall puts Bieglow through the table. Because there were monitors on the table, there are sparks and what not. Man, I was really enjoying this until the end. Crowbar and Flair run out and get beat up.
While this is happening, a stretcher comes out for Bigelow. But that’s not important, apparently, so we see more of Wall fighting Flair and Crowbar. Now Crowbar and Wall are on the scaffolding above the entrance way. This ends poorly for Crowbar as he takes a chokeslam off the set and through the stage. Wall smiles and gets a great creepy look on his face. This segment was amazing at getting the Wall over. This is maybe my favorite segment on these shows in a long time.
They do a good job here of showing all the guys in the back worried about Crowbar getting loaded in the ambulance.
Mean Gene interviews Knobbs, and he dedicates his match to Crowbar and Bam Bam Bigelow. What an honor. Crowbar should have gotten off the stretcher and said “nah brother, I’m good.”
3 Count are the WCW Hardcore champions. Yes, all three of them. They claim to be the best looking hardcore champs in history. I guess they are better looking than Knobbs or Bam Bam Bigelow. The graphic only has one “b” on Knobbs. I always thought it was 2. I never really cared enough to learn. Knobbs comes out, and then runs to the back. Three Count are in tremendous JNCO pants here. Oh, Knobbs went back to get a bunch of plunder. It’s all typical wacky plunder, like garbage cans and canes and what not. He throws it into the ring, where Three Count is, so they just grab it and hit Knobbs with it. Fucking idiot. Knobbs manages to get control and he starts going to work with cans and weapon shots and what not. Shannon Moore takes a trip to Pity City, followed by Evan. Helms has a mask on for his broken nose, so when Knobbs tries to do it to him it has no effect. The announcers miss this completely. Three Count brings out a huge ladder and take turns diving on him off the ladder. Except Moore, who misses. He just gets right back up though. Because there was a spot to do, you see. Knobbs shoots a fire extinguisher into all three guys before finally pinning Helms for the…
Shit. He has to pin all three guys. I should hate this, and I kind of do, but I kind of love it too. The crowd is into it at least. Knobbs fucking power bombs Evan over the top rope through a table. He obviously pins him. Knobbs hits Moore with a GROSS chair shot. This match is going a long way to undoing any good that the last segment did in getting Wall over as dangerous, because here’s Knobbs doing a bunch of hardcore shit to Three Count the very next segment. Oh man, get this shit. Moore pins Knobbs, but it doesn’t count because his foot was on the rope. IN A HARDCORE MATCH!! Knobbs pinned Evan on the floor. What a stupid company. Moore tries to hand the hardcore belt to Knobbs, but Knobbs won’t take it. Instead he hits a dive off the top with a trash can and gets the win. This was not good, but it was pretty fun. But it was not good at all. “Respectability came back to the hardcore division” according to Tenay. Knobbs: the face of respectability.
Gene is back with “The New Harlem Heat.” Big T yells. THE HEAT IS ON!!!!! ROAR!!!
The limo is still in the back.
Vampiro is backstage talking about how he sees things that horrify him. Or something. He kind of mumbles. He is wrestling Fit Finlay. I got literally that from it.
Booker is shown arguing with Kidman about Kidman not watching Booker’s back. It was shown that Booker did have Kidman’s back. Booker was out first followed by Kidman and Torrie. Oh my Torrie this evening. Wonderful dress. The New Harlem Heat is out second with J. Biggs and Cash. Cash is as wide as he is tall. It’s really kind of impressive. Biggs joins the commentary team. He is better than Candido. Mark Madden acts like he is “down” with Harlem Heat, which is annoying as hell. Booker and Stevie start off and Kidman quickly tags in and shows some good tag team skill with Booker. The Heat take over, and you have to see Big T in there. Take the worst Ahmed Johnson match you have ever seen, add about 75lbs, and get rid of any ounce of overness he ever had, and that’s what you are looking at here. Big T looks like early 90’s Junkyard Dog here.
Watching Kidman have to sell for these guys is sad. Big T tried to dive from the crowd over the guardrail and it was awful. I thought he was going to die. It was the most effort he has put in since joining WCW, but he still almost died. A month ago, Kidman seemed to be a star on the rise. Now he is selling for two of the worst wrestlers on the roster. At least the crowd is into this. Kidman makes a hot tag to Booker and Booker runs wild with Book-ends for everyone. The Heat come back and hit a double spinebuster, but Kidman breaks up the pinfall which leads Tony to yell “TEAMWORK!” in one of the funniest moments of the show. Booker and Kidman win when Kidman school boys Big T with a Booker assist. A terrible match because Harlem Heat were in control the whole time, but a good story with Kidman and Booker getting on the same page and becoming a cohesive team as the match went on. Of course, this goes nowhere because there’s a booking change in a month. Oh well!
Replay of the Wall beating the hell out of everyone earlier.
I guess this Finlay and Vampiro match is Falls Count Anywhere. This is about respect. WCW video packages continue to be awful. Just random highlights with no context. Since this match is about respect, we get salty Fit Finlay which is always the best Fit Finlay. They have a match. It’s not awful, but the crowd doesn’t seem to be anywhere near as into it as they were the last match. Finlay tries to use a chair on Vamp, but Vamp kicks the chair into Finlay’s face. Once they go outside, this becomes a bit of a slow brawl with a lot of hit, walk, hit, walk, drag, walk and on and on. They brawl out to the concourse and into the men’s room. Well, you know Kevin Sullivan is booking. The walls in this bathroom are peach, yellow and red. Heinous. The lights in the concourse are red, so it looks like they are fighting in hell. They aren’t, it just seems that way if you are watching. They end up outside on some sort of balcony. They are back inside. This is awful. One of the worst matches I’ve seen in a bit. And I saw a Veda Scott singles match last month. The security guards are trying to keep the fans away, and a fan BLASTS the security guard and sends him flying with a shove. Really under control here. Vamp gets the win with the nail in the coffin on the floor in the concourse of hell. Awful match. Everything that was awful in the late 90’s in that match. People love Vamp though.
Jarrett is backstage talking to the Harris Twins.
Interview with the Mamalukes and Disco. Vito is pretty damn good.
The Harris Twins are challenging the Mamalukes for the tag team titles. The Twins are out to the NWO music. Maybe the worst two guys to ever use that music. There’s Vincent, I guess, but I can’t think of anyone worse than the Harris Twins. Disco and the Mamalukes are out. The Twins are in slacks and t-shirts, so that must mean they are WORKING tonight, brother. Vito has a sleeveless half dress shirt on. I am not going to consider that a guy wrestling in slacks and a dress shirt. Oh no, Disco is on commentary for this one. I feel bad for Vito here. Easily the superior talent in this match. Harris A takes some time to pull his slacks up. Hardest he has worked in the first two minutes of this match. Harris A bounces around for a bit and hits a low blow to cut Vito off. He tags in Harris B. They mentioned this was no DQ, but the guys are still adhering to the tag rule. When the Mamalukes are in control, this is actually kind of fun. The Harris Twins are actually working tonight. As soon as I typed that they botch the old “grab you from the outside” spot. This must be the tape that Dana Brooke is watching. The Harris Twins take over, and the match kind of grinds to a halt because they really do typical, late 90’s big guy offense. Side slams and elbows and clubbing! Some awful kicks and stomps too. Disco Inferno is awful out there. Might be the worst of the guest commentators they have had so far tonight. Vito gets a hot tag and hits a really fun comeback on the Harris Twins. I still can’t figure out what Vito is wearing. A blouse maybe? The Mamalukes hit the most awkward Hart Attack ever for two. The Harris Twins deliver an awful flapjack, followed by an awful double spinebuster for a two count. Disco interferes and hits a belt shot for a two count. Harris…A? hits a belt shot on Vito and they follow up with the H Bomb (an awesome move for the record) for three and the win. And the NWO music plays. A sad day for that great theme song.
Another shot of the limo.
An interview with Fit Finlay about how he beat respect into Vampiro. And Vampiro earned his respect. So even though he lost, he doesn’t care. What a pointless interview.
Gene is back with “Team Package.” Luger is super inflated here. Flair yells and screams. Just a mess.
Dustin Rhodes is dressed like a pirate in a video package highlighting his feud with Terry Funk. This is built around Dusty Rhodes. Who isn’t there. Terry Funk threw a chicken at Dustin. Just a horrible video package, because you can’t tell what is going on.
Dustin Rhodes promises to retire Terry Funk in their bullrope match. Dustin calls himself the American Nightmare 17 years before his shitty little brother did, for the record.
Dustin comes out with a red doo rag on and red pants and looks like a pirate. I think he’s supposed to look like a cowboy of some sort. But he doesn’t. Terry Funk comes out with a chicken on his hand. Like a boxing glove. But it’s a chicken. The chicken has Dusty written on it. Terry says he has his baby brother there and a guy in a chicken costume comes out. Because Dusty and Dustin are chickens. I would rather see the chicken in the G1 than Cody. Maybe this isn’t a bullrope match?
They haven’t put it on yet but they used it as a weapon. It’s a pinfall match, not a drag around to the corners match. That’s a plus. They keep calling it a bullrope match. Funk uses the bell on the rope for a two count. Dustin hits a low blow and he goes to work with the bell. What a boring, sloppy brawl this is. Watching Terry Funk at this point is no fun. Especially watching him take these bell shots right to the dome. After a ton of shitty brawling, they FINALLY get the bullrope on. The chicken runs back out and Dustin lays him out. They are playing awful chicken sound effects and Mark Madden is yelling the chicken must die and kill the chicken and this is the worst. The absolute worst. When you think of Terry Funk, I hope you don’t think of this. Terry Funk decides this is going to be an I Quit match. And he hits the ref with the bell. Seriously, fuck every last bit of this.
Dustin quits, and everyone points out that this isn’t an I Quit match, so Terry looks like a damn idiot. Dustin hits Terry with the bell and he starts doing some boring bell based offense. After what feels like half my life, Dustin drops Funk with a piledriver on the cowbell for the win. But we aren’t done. Dustin beats Funk some more. Funk starts to come back and runs Dustin off. Thank God that was over. One of the worst things I’ve seen in a wrestling ring in a long time.
They were giving away a free, ugly Outsiders t-shirt to people who bought this show.
Gene is in the back with Sid. He speaks in a calm measured manner and gets his point across clearly.
Video package of the Sting vs. Luger feud. Typical WCW video package where a bunch of shit happens with no narrative.
This is a lumberjack cast match. There are lumberjacks who had their arms broken by Luger, including Curt Hennig, Jimmy Hart and Fit Finlay among others. Luger is comedically large here. The amount of effort he must have put in to keeping a physique like this is super impressive. Sure, there was probably some chemistry involved, but you don’t look like Luger without putting in a ton of work. Luger apologizes to everyone for hurting them and introduces his lumberjacks. These are heels with casts on their arm. The Harlem Heat, Hugh Morrus and The Harris Twins come out. That has to be the shittiest group of lumberjacks ever. And I watched a lumberjack match from 1991 today with The Young Pistols, Todd Champion and the Hayes/Garvin Freebirds as lumber jacks.
Sting comes down and Luger is on him as soon as he gets in the ring. Sting takes over and Luger rolls out to his lumberjacks. So of course they try to comfort him, and the babyface lumber jacks try to toss him in, and they tease a brawl. I really think the Thomas Rich vs Big Josh lumberjack match I watched earlier will be better than this. The crowd is really into this one. Sting tosses Luger out to the babyface lumberjacks and they stomp Luger. This includes Doug Dillenger. Ok, we got the spot now, let’s end it. A few minutes into the match, Tank Abbott just saunters out. He punches Dillenger out cold. And walks away. What the fuck was the point of that? All the lumberjacks start brawling and fight all the way to the back. So this was a lumberjack for all of 3 minutes. Super important stip. Vampiro is the only lumberjack remaining. Thank God one man takes his job seriously. Flair tries to interfere with a chair, but Vamp cuts him off. For a second before Flair takes over. Flair is in the ring and he attacks Sting. Right in front of the ref. Is this no DQ? The ref is distracted and Liz hits Sting with a bat. Vamp gets the belt back and Jimmy Hart pulls Liz to the back while brandishing a belt. What the fuck is going on here? Luger calls for the rack, Charles Robinson looks to the back for literally no reason, Vamp hits Luger with the bat and Sting hits the Scorpion Death Drop for the win. That was a damn mess. Sting and Vampiro hug. I’m sure this will end up fine and no one will try to light the other on fire. This show is just a complete nonsensical mess.
Gene interviews Tank and says he can do what he wants.
Highlights of the Sid vs. Jeff Jarrett feud. Maybe “highlights” is more appropriate. Lots of slapnuts, lots of whispering from Sid.
Jarrett is walking through the back with the ladies. Mike Graham makes an appearance telling Sid he is up now and they changed the match order. Hogan must pose, brother.
BUFFER!! He explains that Sid and Jarrett hate each other’s guts. He also asks if everyone is ready. What if they weren’t? Would the match not take place? Because I am in no way, shape, or form ready for ANOTHER Sid vs. Jeff Jarrett match. Jarrett is out first with Midajah, Tylene Buck and… someone? You should see the shoes these women are wearing. Walking around in those things might be the most athletically impressive feat on this show thus far. They send him out in the title match with three girls and people still don’t give a shit. Oh good, now he has a mic. He says the same shit he says all the time. “Blah blah blah I’ve been screwed. Blah Blah Blah I’m the chosen one.” UGH. The crowd finally pops when he asks them if they want to see the girls naked. Sid was announced as one of the greatest big men in wrestling. False. The crowd is pretty hot for Sid.
Jarrett tries to charge early, but he fails. Sid is going 1000 miles per hour and everything looks sloppier than usual. Because this is a Jeff Jarrett main event, they brawl outside and into the crowd. The Harris Twins run out and attack Sid. This is the third fucking match the Harris Twins have been involved with. That should tell you all you need to know about this show. There are three separate occasions that the people producing this show felt the need to include Ron and Don Harris. Watching Sid sell for Jarrett is one of the funniest things. Jarrett gets the old two arm drops on the sleeper. Sid comes back with his awful punches and a big boot. One of the Harris twins gets on the apron with the title belt but Sid reverses Jarrett into the belt. This gets a two count. A low blow thwarts a chokeslam attempt from Sid. Jarrett attacks the ref and gets his guitar. He smashes it over Sid’s head and waives down for a ref. It’s that goofy bald ref who is in Jarrett’s pocket. He counts two, but Hogan runs out and pulls the ref out. He also beats up Jeff Jarrett and the Harris Twins before putting Sid on top of Jarrett for the three. Total ego move by Hogan here. Steiner runs in and attacks Hogan with a guitar. Scott, not Rick. Sid is back up and he runs everyone off. What the hell. This is about the 956th time this show that I have had no idea what is going on.
Ric Flair runs in and attaches the YAPIPI strap to Hogan and their match starts. Jimmy Hart power walks his way down. Hogan and Flair brawl outside. If you have ever seen a Hogan vs. Flair match, you know how this goes. Hogan wins for a bit, Flair comes back, Hogan comes back and wins. This is the second strap type match on one show. That must be why they didn’t do the corner rules in the Funk match. This is like watching your grandpa and his friend hit each other with a belt while they are wearing their underwear. A lot of plodding, a lot of Flair begging off, a lot of choking with the belt. A lot of trouble keeping my eyes open. Flair gigged, of course, and this just goes on and on.
Vader should show up dressed in drag and Hogan can drag him around the ring, just to bring this whole thing full circle. They are inside, they go outside, they are inside, they go outside. There is no rhyme or reason to this match and Hogan is just beating the shit out of Flair. They end up on the stage area. Luger comes out and hits Hogan in the head with a chair. Hogan gigs, and they just brawl slowly back to the ring. They slowly brawl in the ring. Flair gets his infamous object out of his knee pad and punches Hogan with it. What the fuck? Flair goes for the pin, the ref tries to count the pin, and this was all done to give Hulk a chance to Hulk up. So they ignore the rules of the match just to give Hogan a chance to do his usual shtick. I hate this show. HATE HATE HATE. Hogan touches three corners, Luger runs down, Hogan kicks his ass, hits a leg drop on Flair, pins Flair, and touches the fourth corner. So, for those of you keeping track, on this show Hogan defeated:
Ric Flair (twice)
Let’s look at Hogan’s record at WCW Uncensored for a minute. From 1995-2000, he was on every show. That is 6 total shows. Here is who he defeated:
Vader, Flair, Meng, Barbarian, Lex Luger, Arn Anderson, Kevin Sullivan, Z Gangsta, The Ultimate Solution, Flair, Roddy Piper, Lex Luger (his team also defeated a slew of other guys, but I will only count his direct eliminations), Randy Savage (had a no contest, but came out on top) and the men listed above. He actually lost to Flair in 99. In 6 shows, he defeated 18 guys. He defeats 3 guys for every one Uncensored show he wrestles on. Unreal.
This was a completely awful show. Probably one of my least favorite shows ever. There’s no wackiness, nothing to just laugh at or enjoy ironically. It’s mostly bad wrestling, mostly boring wrestling and mostly a pile of shit. This was a show that just got worse and worse as it went on and everything got a little less watchable than the thing before it. When the highlight of your show is probably the hardcore title match between Three Count and Brian Knobbs, you went wrong somewhere. Don’t watch this show, ever. I don’t care if someone tries to pay you to watch it. Don’t. Don’t you dare.
I am going to reach a little further back next time, because this late 90’s early 00’s stuff is soul crushing. Maybe some early to mid-90’s stuff. Battlebowl? A Hogan era Clash? A Diesel era In Your House? I literally have no idea, so any suggestions will be welcome to firstname.lastname@example.org or on twitter @OMGlancy.