JC’s Top Rope Report: What If Vince Russo Booked Wrestlemania 33? (Satire)
I wanted to have some fun this weekend with Wrestlemania fast approaching.
A good majority of wrestling fans aren’t too happy with how Wrestlemania is shaping up. The build, especially on the RAW side, has left a lot to be desired.
But could you imagine if Vince Russo was put in charge right now and decided to book the show? Let me tell you how that would play out…
WRITER’S NOTE: This is meant as satire and my attempt at humor. In no way, shape or form was Vince Russo involved in this piece and it does not reflect his actual thoughts or views.
-Also please read this in Vince Russo’s voice. I wrote it while doing that in my head. It makes it more fun!
Andre the Giant Battle Royal
-Okay listen. First thing is first bro. No one cares about traditional battle royals anymore. Why do we still book that? It’s boring. So here’s what we do: We take the trophy and hang from a pole at ringside. Fans love things on a pole. It makes them think of strippers. It’ll get them into the match. Trust me.
Cruiserweight Title Match: Neville (c) vs Austin Aries
-Aries. He’s the guy that talked about his great package and has the banana right? That guy’s great. Fans love that. He’s gonna get over. So what we do is about half way through the match this Aries guy reaches into his pants and pulls out a banana. It’ll be great. Then he takes the banana and puts it down that Neville guys mouth. Then Aries rolls him up with a small package, ha get it, and wins. That’ll get a laugh out of the fans.
Smackdown Women’s Title Match
-Oh women. All the guys in the audience love the women. All they see them for is the sex. So we change this to a six way bra and panties match. Simple enough.
Ladder Match For the RAW Tag Team Titles
-Here’s a good one. We get Cesaro and Enzo at the top of the ladder and both of them pull down a belt. So Cesaro and Enzo are tag team Champs. It’ll be great.
Dean Ambrose vs Baron Corbin
-So on that one episode of Smackdown Baron Corbin had a forklift. I like that. We can work with that. So Corbin drives the forklift down to the ring. But he has Renee Young tied to the top of it! The distraction lets Corbin hit his finisher and it’s over. Then Corbin drives the forklift to the back and we have to wonder what he did with Renee.
Fatal 4 Way For The RAW Women’s Championship
-Okay, if there’s one thing we know about women it is that you can’t trust them. Never have and never will. So why would women trust each other? They can’t! So what happens is every woman forms a partnership with the other at some point during the match but then turns on each other! Then we get Ric Flair to come out, and he ends up helping Bayley to win.
But wait, let me tell you the long story. Later on, we reveal that Bayley is actually Ric’s real daughter. That’s right, Charlotte is not related to Ric Flair. That’ll swerve the fans big time. It’s all about that swerve BRO!
Kevin Owens vs Chris Jericho
-Look at Kevin Owens. No one would believe him as a Champion. He wears that shirt and he looks awful. See, I wore a cut off shirt when I was Champ in WCW and I looked more credible than Owens. So here’s what happens. Three minutes into the match, Jericho rips off Owens shirt. Then Jericho just starts laughing at him. Owens gets so embarrassed that he just walks away from the match and gets counted out. Then we interview Owens while he is in tears and he goes away for a few months. Then he comes back as a fitness guru in shape. But the trick is he is wearing a lap band! No one will know. It’ll be great.
AJ Styles vs Shane McMahon
-Okay so Shane gets it. He knows the bigger the risk the bigger the reward. So what we do, and it is going to look great, is AJ will throw Shane on the roller coaster on the stage. But here’s the key, Shane won’t be buckled in! So when he goes into the loop, he falls out. Then the paramedics come out and take Shane to the hospital. The key will be for the announcers to sell it like he’s dead. We have to have the fans believing it’s real.
Seth Rollins vs Triple H
-We all know the crowd wants to see Seth Rollins get his hands on Triple H. But we have to swerve them. It’ll make the most sense. So right before the bell rings, BOOM, Rollins and Triple H shake hands and prove they have been working the crowd the whole time. The crowd will be pissed. It’ll be great.
John Cena and Nikki Bella vs Miz and Maryse
-More women? Man you guys are making this easy. So everyone is expecting John to propose to Nikki after the win. So we have to shock the fans so they can’t see it coming. So Cena gets down on one knee to propose. And just as Nikki is about to answer, BOOM, kick to the nuts. The crowd will never see it coming. Then as Nikki is walking up the ramp, Zack Ryder appears on stage and makes out with Nikki. Zack finally gets his revenge on Cena. It’ll be great BRO.
Roman Reigns vs The Undertaker
-Oh man BRO. Just wait. This is going to be the main event but it will be the match everyone is talking about after. So all the corporate higher ups want Roman to be the next top guy. But the fans don’t want it. So we have to make everything seem real and that there is real tension. So you come up with the “Powers That Be.” But you don’t show who they are. So when they get into the ring Taker and Reigns stare each other down. Then Taker LAYS DOWN FOR ROMAN. It’ll be great. Roman looks stunned but pins Taker. Taker walks up the ramp but doesn’t say a word. Then on RAW the next night, Taker cuts a shoot promo about what happened. We get the fans to buy that it’ll be real. BRO, it is going to make so much money.
Randy Orton vs Bray Wyatt
-First let me say this spooky stuff that has been going on in this feud is great. Credit to whoever booked it. So as the match goes on, a mysterious woman comes out with some cops. It’s revealed that it is Sister Abigail. And she’s not dead. It’ s great. She accuses Orton of sexual assault when he was in the shack before he burned it down. Orton is arrested and the match is over. It’ll be great.
Goldberg vs Brock Lesnar
-So it’s good that these guys can’t wrestle long, since people don’t want to see actual wrestling anyways. But before the match, the chosen one of the Powers That Be, Roman Reigns, gets inserted into the match. Brock is pissed, and he refuses to work, so he walks out. Goldberg takes Roman down and goes for a spear. And see this is where it gets good. I’M REVEALED AS THE POWER. I cattle prod Goldberg, since we all know that is his weakness, Roman is able to spear him and win. It’ll be great. Me and Roman at the top. The ratings will go through the roof.
So just remember everyone, it could be A LOT worse.
Until Next Time,
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