Tim Watches The Worst Of The WWE Network: WCW Clash of the Champions 12

I returned from vacation and was at a loss. I was in such a good mood that I couldn’t bring myself to watch bad wrestling. I’ve stopped watching Raw. I watch a bit of Smackdown here and there. I watch Progress and Evolve. I have only watched good wrestling for about a month. It’s been great. I’ve also played a ton of Overwatch. However, damn it, I told Justin I would write about awful wrestling, so here we are back in 1990 watching WCW Clash of the Champions 12. The main event is Sting vs. The Black Scorpion, so you know crap is coming!

We are heading to the ring and the first thing we get is the Badstreet USA music video. Well, that’s fucking awful. Seriously, put Badstreet USA into your Google machine and check this damn thing out. So Michael Hayes and Jimmy Garvin are out in the Confederate flag along with Buddy Roberts. Their opponents are the Southern Boys, who also come out dressed in the Confederate flags. They are accompanied by Bob Armstrong. What the fuck. This is the most hillbilly ass thing ever. Apparently this was meant to be a six man with Roberts on the Freebird team and the Bullet on the team with the Southern Boys. I bet that would have been a hell of a lot better. Jimmy Garvin is one of the best stories in wrestling history. He took a big payoff on a contract and got out with his wife, Precious, and is now a pilot. Great dude according to all stories. Hayes is a bit of a racist according to all stories, so I guess everything evens out. Smothers and Armstrong are a hell of a team.

What an awful match this has been. Four dudes in the Confederate flag doing jack shit. Smothers and Armstrong are working their asses off, but the Freebirds just don’t want to do shit. The crowd does seem to care, so that’s at least nice. This show is called Mountain Madness. That is a fun name for a show! Smothers makes a great diving tag to Steve Armstrong, and he makes a really nice hot tag. Buddy Roberts tries to cheat, but while the ref is distracted the Buller hits an AMAZING punch on… um… a Freebird? A bunch of stuff happens and the Southern Boys hit sunset flips on each Freebird and win the match. I don’t know. I might have been drinking. The Bullet gets laid out after the match. Who cares. Awful match. NEXT.

Tony Schiavone is with the Steiner Brothers, the new US Tag Team Champs. The promo is embarrassingly bad. They talk about Doom and their match tonight against Maximum Overdrive. Whoever the fuck that is.

Ugh. Buddy Landell is in the ring. I know a lot of people like him, but he always sucked to me. Oh no. His opponent is my least favorite wrestler of all time, Mike Rotunda. Mike Rotunda is the worst fucking wrestler of all time. He is an awful promo, a boring wrestler, and just an all-around awful wrestler. Also, his son is the worst fucking thing in wrestling today. Bray Wyatt is awful. I am doing something I have not done in a single show I have watched thus far. I am going to skip this match. I am going to assume it consisted of a bunch of holds and Rotunda wins with either a clothesline or a Samoan drop. Let me check Wikipedia.

It doesn’t say. But it only last 5 minutes and change, so I will endure and use the time to complain about Rotunda. He was awful as Mike Rotunda, awful as IRS, awful as Michael Wallstreet, and awful in any other gimmick he might have had. And Landell wasn’t much better. I assume most people reading this work. Imagine if you went to work every day and your sole purpose at work was to be an all-around inferior version of a co-worker. That’s Landell. He’s the K-Mart Ric Flair. He’s the Go-Bot Nature Boy. Rotunda is sweating like he ran a marathon and he’s been in holds this whole time. Fuck both these guys. Rotunda wins with a God damn back slide of all things. Fuck Rotunda. The king of the fucking resthold.

Now Tony is back out with the Freebirds. They look like complete jackasses in their Confederate garb. Garvin yells like a moron. Why are they getting an interview when they just lost? Roberts yells like a moron. Hayes at least doesn’t yell. Hayes is a great promo and tosses to a video of the Freebirds hanging out in Hollywood. If the Freebirds have this video tonight, why on earth did they lose earlier? Why wasn’t this shown before the match? Garvin and Hayes are basically making asses of themselves in Hollywood, but come across as complete babyfaces here. Even though they were heels 15 minutes ago. What the fuck is wrong with these people. This is 1990. This company would last 10 more years.

Fucking Tim Horner. Tim Horner and Brad Armstrong are out now. The Lightning Express!! Their opponents are Iron and Steel, the Master Blasters!!!! Of course Steel is Kevin Nash. Iron is a dude. Iron would be replaced by… fucking someone, Al Greene maybe, in the near future. Kevin Nash was awful as a vet, I can’t wait to see him as a green dude. Actually, Iron might be Al Greene. I don’t fucking know. When Nash has to sell it’s the funniest thing ever. Wow. What an awful match this is. The Blasters are dirty. There’s no other way to describe it. They are painted up to be dirty. This is so bad. Everyone needs to go watch this right away. A match like this makes me wish there was a serious number two promotion right now because you would get big ass green dudes on TV if that was the case. The Master Blasters made TV because WCW needed big dudes on TV. If there was a company that felt like they needed dudes on TV, there would be dudes like the Master Blasters on TV. The Blasters won, obviously. Everyone should watch this. It is that bad.

Tony is back with Flying Brian to talk about Sting’s match. Pillman would be the biggest star in wrestling today if he was around. Good looking, can wrestle, and size is less important now than ever before. And damn it he could talk too. Even here, when he is the clean cut babyface, he still cut a really nice promo. Two decades ahead of his time.
Missy Hyatt is up next. Missy wants to introduce the “greatest world champion of ever” Ric Flair. You know Ric had a piece of that. Missy in 1993, when she was managing the Nasty Boys and was out there like a slut every week, was something else. Go watch some of those PPV shows.

Speaking of the Nasties, they are out now to take on Jackie Fulton and Terry Taylor. What a team that is. This is like a cock a doodle don’t. If you thought the Nasty Boys were bad when they had been in the business for a minute, you should see this. Taylor is so good here. He must be a real pain in the ass to have never gotten a major push. I guess he got a big push in Mid South towards some NWA title shots, but to never get a push aside from that really says something to me. That and the fact that almost no one has a nice thing to say about him. JR takes a moment to advertise a party line. Wow, that’s so 90’s it’s not even funny. They say that Luger will be there. You know he had to be thrilled with that. This wasn’t a bad match at all. The Nasties are green as goose shit, but they bumped well here and actually moved around well when they were on offense. Fulton hits a couple of nice dropkicks and a bridging suplex. Fulton tries to come off the top and Knobbs plants his ass with a powerslam, and Saggs hits the elbow for 3. I really liked this match. It was short, but it was super fun. I was wrong to think this was going to suck. The Nasties were actually perfectly fine, and Fulton and Taylor were really fun.

Now Tony is out with SID!! Sid yells and spits into the microphone about Sting. I actually think Sid would get the next shot at Sting at Halloween Havoc. An ok promo but a GREAT mullet.

Wild Bill Irwin is in the ring cracking a bullwhip. He might be my new favorite wrestling cowboy. His opponent is Wildfire Tommy Rich, with the best mullet on this show thus far. These guys go out there and go about 100 MPH. Jim Ross says that Kuwait is in the far east? Maybe from Oklahoma? I don’t know. They start off fast but quickly get into some headlocks and reversals. It’s all pretty well done. JR keeps talking about Rich being the third youngest guy to win the title. Who cares? Who’s the third guy to walk on the moon? No one knows. These two have a completely average match that Rich eventually wins with Thesz Press. Not bad at all.

It’s too the back for the top 10. Let’s see. 10 is Landell, who lost to the worst wrestler in the world, Mike Rotunda. 9 is Wildfire Tommy Rich, who won. JYD is 8, Flying Brian is 7, STAN FUCKING HANSEN is 6!! Sid, who gets the next PPV title shot is 5, Barry Windham, who doesn’t, is somehow 4, TV Champ Arn Anderson is 3, Ric Flair is 2, and Luger, by virtue of being the US champ, is 1. Sting is the champ, obvs. Jesus, now they do a tag team one. 10 is Tim Horner and Mike Rotunda. Wow, I can’t think of a worst tag team. Also, both guys were on the show but not as a team. Freaking WCW. 9 is JYD and El Gigante. JYD AND EL GIGANTE WERE A TAG TEAM!!! Holy shit. Well, at least Rotunda and Horner aren’t the worst tag team I’ve ever heard of. Jeez. Flying Brian and Z-Man are 8, the Samoan Swat Team are 7, Freebirds are 6 and Southern Boys are 5. At least that makes sense given tonights events. The Midnight Express are 4, the Horsemen, which I guess would be any combination of the 4, are 3. That’s dumb. Rock and Rolls are 2 and the Steiners are 1 due to being US tag champs. Doom are the champs. What an exercise in futility that is. The Nasty Boys aren’t ranked and they get the US title shot at Havoc.

Stan Hansen is with Tony and he is yelling and spitting tobacco everywhere. He is a great man and is pissed about being 6th. Great promo.

Women’s world championship time. Bambi is the challenger, and the champion is Susan Sexton. I have heard of neither of these women. This is total “women in their one piece bathing suits” style women’s wrestling. There’s a show coming up and it’s Sting wristwatch night. Bob Caudle wants one, but it’s only for kids 14 and under. JR talks about hiring kids to get them watches. Thieving sons of bitches. Sexist commentary is amazing, because Bob Caudle says that the winner gets a dinner date with JR. Plus they keep calling it “ladies wrestling.” Which I love. I think we should start calling what they do in WWE “ladies wrestling.” JR says that the women are quicker because of their aerobics training. Fucking aerobics. The actual wrestling here isn’t half bad. It’s not half good, but it’s not the worst thing on this show. Sexton wins with a small package reversal that was really well done. I liked this match, but the commentary was just so awful.

The Hunter and the Silencer are in the ring. They are two roided up dudes competing under the name of Maximum Overdrive. Unfortunately for them their opponents are the equally roided up Steiner Brothers. No word on whether or not this is a US title match. Considering that the other guys are Silencer and Hunter, I tend to doubt it. JR sends a shout out to some fans in the Bahamas because they are running a show there in the coming weeks. Would love to see Ric Flair in that environment. Steiner is already comedically large here and he’s a good 50 pounds lighter than he would become. I am reaching for things to say here, because this is obviously a squash match for the Steiners. There’s a bunch of stalling and what not. JR gives a speech to the youngsters getting ready to play football. This is the most southern wrasslin show ever. This is an awful match. Steiners win with a terrifying DDT from Scott off of Rick’s shoulders. Horrifying.

Missy Hyatt is talking about something and threatens us with more Clash of the Champions.

Sure enough, they come back. Stan Hansen makes his way to the ring and his opponent tonight is Tony Schiavone’s favorite wrestler, the Z-Man Tom Zenk. No sooner than Zenk hits the ring does Hansen start whipping his ass. Throws him into the guardrail, hits him with a chair, throws him into the stage. Just beats the dog out of him. This is great!! They go back in the ring for a minute before Hansen drags him out and beats him some more. All of a sudden, they cut to Tony in the back with Lex Luger for his thoughts on Hansen. Zenk gets a few moves in, but for the most part Hansen continues to whip Zenk and finally puts him away with the lariat. When I say put him away, I mean he might have actually killed him. Great lariat and a good fun squash. Hansen was the man.

Tony is back in the dressing room area talking about the upcoming Luger and Flair match. Mentions how this is unique because, unlike their past encounters, Luger is going in as the champ, not the challenger. Clips of Flair vs. Luger from Wrestlewar are shown. This was a really good match. Luger cuts a good promo leading into the match. They treat it like this is real, with Tony asking if he is treating this any different being the champ and not the challenger. I liked that.

Time for Ric Flair vs. Lex Luger for Luger’s US title. I can’t imagine this being bad. Luger has an awesome guitar theme song. Watch this show on WWE Network and skip right to this match just to hear this theme. Excellent. Crowd is SUPER hot here. They come unglued for a shoulder tackle for Christ’s sake. Typical excellent Flair/Luger match to start. Luger controlling with his power and Flair begging off time and time again. So great. Luger delivers three press slams, but misses a big jumping elbow and Flair takes over. For 30 seconds before Luger clotheslines him again. Flair feigns a shoulder injury and hits a big punch on Luger to finally get control. Flair controls in a typical Flair manner for a bit. The announcers are doing a great job of telling the story here with Flair needing the US title to be the #1 contender to get another shot at Sting. Flair is selling this by wrestling with a sense of desperation you don’t always see from Flair. Luger starts to comeback before Flair can lock in the Figure Four, and they are off to the races. After some great back and forth, Luger hits another press slam and the power slam that traditionally sets up the Torture Rack. Flair manages to fight that off, but Lex still hits a big time superplex. Flair gets his foot on the rope to break the pinfall. THIS IS AWESOME. They tumble outside and start fighting and as Luger gets back in, Hansen runs in and starts beating the hell out of Luger. Hansen chokes him with the bullrope and stands tall at the end of the match. What an awesome match. Go out of your way to watch this.

Comments from the Black Scorpion. I can’t believe anyone thought this was a good idea. Claims that if Sting beats him he will tell the whole world who he is. Sting cuts a brief promo stating that he will do so. Well, good to know he doesn’t plan to lose.

The Black Scorpion is out first. Sting gets a monster reaction when he makes his way out. There’s a strange Sting drawing that hangs by the entrance way when Sting comes out. Just of his face and in black and white. OK then. I think this is Al Perez here in the Scorpion mask. He’s in very similar shape. Black Scorpion controls with an assortment of punches, kicks, chokes and other assorted boring maneuvers. This is not Sting’s best outing. Sting tries to go for the mask when he gets control. Somehow, the crowd is still in to this. Anytime Sting gets his hands on the mask, the crowd goes insane. Sting finally decides he wants to win the match and does so with the Stinger Splash. Yep, he pinned someone with the Stinger Splash. Believe it or not. Sting gets the Scorpion’s mask off, and there’s another mask underneath. And then another Black Scorpion comes out. Somehow, Ross and Caudle determine that is the real Black Scorpion, not the guy Sting just had a boring ass match with.

Man, aside from Luger vs. Flair, this was an abysmal show. Oh, I guess we aren’t done. Ross is in the ring to interview Sting. Noticeable boos for Sting. Can’t blame anyone after that match. Sting doesn’t know who the Scorpion is. Still. So this solved nothing. What a waste of time. Sid comes out and just starts yelling at Sting. He yells about wanting a title shot. Sting kind of blows him off and tries to leave, so Sid chases after him and lays Sting out on the ramp with belt shots. Sid comes back and yells into the mic some more. Love Sid. What a nut.

Yeah, this was an atrocious show, but you should watch the Flair vs. Luger match. It was AMAZING. Don’t know what my next show will be, so if you have any suggestions send them to @OMGlancy on twitter or to tglancy@gmail.com. I can tell you it won’t take as long as it took me to crank this one out though! Thanks for reading!