Tim Watches The Worst Of The WWE Network: WCW Nitro 9/4/2000 RUSSO’S REVENGE

I have a bit of a problem. Well, it’s not really a problem as much as it is a change of heart. You see, I am enjoying wrestling too much right now. For the last month or so, every time I sit down to try and write about awful wrestling, I end up finding things I like about it. I tried to watch Slamboree 2000, and you know what? That’s actually kind of a fun show. I started the Wrestling Classic, and the nostalgia wave was too much! However, there is one person that I can always, always count on to make sure I hate pro wrestling. So, let’s watch WAR GAMES: RUSSO’S REVENGE!!!!

WCW Nitro September 4 2000.

The show starts with a terrible video package. Russo, Steiner, Nash and Jarrett vs. The Cat, Sting, Booker T and Goldberg. And the title is on the line. Oh. It’s one of those triple decker cage matches. So the belt will be at the top of the cage and whoever leaves with it is the champion. I hate this already. WAR GAMES 2000 this is called, because that means it’s futuristic.

Russo and his crew arrive.

Schiavone welcomes us and tells us this is the 5th anniversary edition of Nitro, and we are starting with a tag team title match. And when you think of great tag teams you think of The Insane Clown Posse. It’s easy to hate on these guys, but all kidding aside they worked hard any time they were in a promotion and they are big fans. Can’t fault them for using their fame to do something they love. The champions are the Filthy Animals. Rey and Juvy have the belts, and Konnan, Disco and (holy shit)Tigress are out too. So it looks like it’s ICP vs. Rey and Juvy. That’s probably for the best. The Clowns are at least in the right place when they need to be. The skinny clown does a good dropkick to Juvy when the Juice comes off the top. Konnan is on commentary which is as awful as it usually is. Thankfully for him Disco is out there too and he is even worse. There is no tagging going on here and it’s just nonstop action. The bigger clown actually takes out both members of the Animals and actually press slams Rey. That was pretty awesome. He tries it again, but Juvy dropkicks him. The Animals win after a leg drop to the fat clown’s nuts.
And it’s right TO THE BACK for a fucking amazingly boring Lance Storm interview. He is making Major Gunns run on a treadmill.

Now it’s even further to the back to show The Cat, Miss Jones and Booker T getting into a limo.

Now it’s to the ring and the cage starts to lower and no one knows why. I assume they went to a commercial here.

Quick mention of Nash vs. Booker T main eventing Fall Brawl.

Oh man, look at these losers. Russo and the Natural Born Thrillers are out now. Russo is such a loser he can’t figure out how to close the cage door. He’s wearing a Devils jersey because the Devils had beat Dallas for the Stanley Cup. Russo has a mic. He promises that WCW will entertain the crowd unlike the Cowboys yesterday. The number of steroids that the Thrillers had to be consuming at this time had to be astronomic. He is going to tell us about the match tonight. The object of War Games is for one man to climb up to get the belt and come back down and out the door. That’s not how War Games works. And why the fuck are there teams if that is the rule? Russo is funny where he calls his team the babyfaces. Schiavone points out the stupidity of their being teams as well. Almost every name is met with indifference except for Goldberg and Sting.

Uh oh, now he is telling us what he didn’t know. SIGH. Apparently, Russo’s New York lawyers looked into some deal Cat made with Bischoff and the Cat has no power. So, he is making Sting, Goldberg, the Cat and Booker T wrestle in qualifying matches. He also says that if Goldberg does win his match, he will waive the non-physicality clause between him and Goldberg. What the fuck is going on? He also guarantees he is going to leave the champion.

Now Nash is out. Nash is the defending world champion. That’s the first mention of that, I think. I don’t know. This show is really working at pissing me off. Nash is pissed that Russo put the title up in this kind of match. Of course, they don’t get along, because they are partners. Nash basically says he is lazy and he wants to only defend the title once a month. Russo mouths off and says he’s the boss. Nash says Russo may be the boss, but in the ring, Nash is his daddy. Lighting strikes and the lights go out. Sting comes up from under the ring and he is ready! HE IS READY!! To talk. Nash leaves Russo to Sting. He says he is going to be the champ and he uses his awful “It’s Showtime!” catch phrase. They do some cat and mouse stuff for a few minutes, with Sting chasing Russo up, so Jarrett and Steiner come out and chase Sting up. This is fucking comedic. Cat and Booker come down to help. They beat up all the Natural Born Thrillers. OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!!! Russo and Sting end up at the top of the cage, so they just start going back down the cage. Who could watch this? This makes the stuff on Raw look like New Japan. While the Thrillers are inside the cage and Jarrett and Steiner are on the cage, Russo makes his way up the aisle to be run off by Goldberg. There was so much going on during that segment. Which means we of course need a replay right away. This all literally just happened.

So, if the good guys lose, do the opponents end up in the cage match? Steiner is throwing a fit in the locker room. Jarrett is yelling, Nash is yelling. EVERYONE IS YELLING!!! Jeremy Borash is doing commentary and he is bald. Apparently, he made some ratings bet with Russo. And they showed him getting his head shaved by the Nitro Girls. Which of course allows Madden a chance to drop a “you got trim from the Nitro girls.” I hate him so much.

The fucking Harris Twins are out now. Nothing like some good old white supremacists in your wrestling. This is a home video of the Harris Twins going into a bar to fight Kronik. They start brawling and no one gets up to do a damn thing. No one moves, no one screams. Obviously fake as shit. And it just ends. No one does anything in this bar full of people when 4 HUGE men start fighting. Seems legit.

Shane Douglas is in the back yelling at Russo about wanting a match with Goldberg. But not one on one, he wants the Thrillers to team with him, but Torrie freaks out about him teaming with the Thrillers. Russo tells them to watch his back. What the hell?

Sting is out to face his roadblock. It’s Vampiro. And the Great Muta? The Dork Carnival!! Vamp is painted up like an ICP geek. Thankfully Muta is not. You know, The Cat actually beat the Great Muta once. Muta accidentally mists Vamp which leads to a Stinger Splash, Scorpion Death Drop, and the pin. The whole match took about 2 minutes. Now the ICP and Vamp are yelling at Muta. TO THE BACK!!

Major Gunns is doing chest exercises and Elix Skipper is staring at her boobs. TO THE BACK!!

And now Stevie Ray is yelling at Vince Russo about not wanting to wrestle tonight. Russo tells him that this could be his chance to be champ…

No time for it to sink in, as Steiner, Jarrett and Nash are talking in the back. Jarrett wants Nash to work with them, Nash says he might play for the other team tonight. TO THE RING!!

Stevie Ray is out looking despondent. He has the microphone. Oh. He’s the roadblock for Booker T. Is this for the rights to the letter T? Is Big T going to come out? Or the other big fat black guy. Tony deduces that if Stevie wins, he’s in the match. That still hasn’t been made clear, in case you’re wondering. Now Booker has a damn mic. He says absolutely nothing.

Stevie jumps Booker from behind. What? He was just out there talking about how they are going to have a match and now he is wrestling like a complete dick. They are out here wrestling like 1000 miles per hour. They have a really good last three minutes of a 15-minute match. Just a bunch of moves and Booker wins with the Bookend. Just as quick as the other qualifier. Now they are talking. Stevie said that he attacked Booker T because “suckas gots to know” and Booker should get ready for War Games.

Now Kronik are walking in. Oh lord, this segment. They run into the Jung Dragons, who act in the most offensive way possible with regards to Asians. Kronik, perhaps in the interest of not being racist bigots, beat up the Jung Dragons.

After the break (I assume) Three Count is in the ring getting ready to perform. They get destroyed by Kronik. There’s a “Where’s Benoit” sign in the crowd. I hope that guy isn’t still looking for him…

Kronik have the mic. They call out the Harris Twins. But nope, Jeff Jarrett comes out instead. He calls Kronik “Mary Jane blunt nuts.” I have no fucking idea what that means. Kronik is the Cat’s roadblock. Oh lordy, Jarrett is on commentary. We go to a replay of Jarrett hitting Miss Jones with a guitar. Cat tries to convince Kronik to attack Jarrett. They go for it, but he tries to roll one of them up instead. Why not have them go outside and just get them counted out. Jarrett goes after Miss Jones, which leads to Cat coming out and Jarrett gets slapped by Jones. Back in the ring, High Times from Kronik leads to Cat being the first guy to not qualify. Borash says that Kronik moves on to War Games.

Amazing segment in the back where Russo, who is supposedly the guy who makes the rules, doesn’t realize that now Kronik is in the match. Steiner does, and he calls Russo a dumb son of a bitch. Russo finally figures it out and gets sad. Russo is an idiot and an awful booker.

Shane Douglas is out for his match with Goldberg. Ugh, he has a mic. He yells and screams in a boring manner. Torrie screeches. The crowd is chanting for Goldberg. It’s amazing how determined they were to ruin Goldberg. Douglas gets scared when Goldberg starts to come out. He is the one who wanted the match and was out there talking a bunch of shit. Did he think Goldberg was just going to say “fuck it, I don’t want to be in War Games.” Schiavone said “no one has ever called Mr. Russo stupid.” Well, he’s stupid. And an awful booker. And annoying. And an attention whore. Still comes across better than Cornette now a day though. This would have been awesome if Douglas was surprised by Goldberg, because his scared face is amazing here. If he would have just been out there cutting a promo and Goldberg came out to surprise him, that would have been an amazing segment. Instead you have a jackass who knows what is coming and still acts surprised.

This is a match. Feels a lot like a mid 80’s Hulk Hogan SNME match. Goldberg ran wild, missed a move, Douglas took over for a moment, Goldberg starts to come back. If Goldberg would have just hit a spear, a jackhammer, and won, it would have been awesome. Instead, the Thrillers run out. Goldberg beats the shit out of all of them. This allows Douglas to get a chain. Holy shit!! Goldberg gets Sanders up for a press slam, Douglas starts to charge, so Goldberg drops Sanders and in one movement spears Douglas. Jackhammer, pin. Fucking awesome. The crowd is going nuts.

Russo is in the back crying. Good. Asshole.

The announcers recap what we just saw. I hate nothing more in wrestling.

So, I guess it’s Russo, Steiner, Nash and Jarrett against Booker, Kronik, Sting and Goldberg. Well, supposedly, but now they are talking about the fact that there are no teams.

Now Gunns is in a pool. The MIA are watching from over a wall. Storm throws the interview girl in the pool. MIA attack and they all fight in the pool. For 2 seconds before we go back to more Russo.

Russo is yelling at the Natural Born Thrillers. There is going to be a gauntlet match between Vito and the Thrillers.

Arn Anderson with the line of the night. “Pamela, you are soaking wet and that is OUTSTANDING. That’s a great look for you.”

Next week there is going to be a wedding with Ms. Hancock marrying David Flair.

Last week Vito beat the hell out of Russo with a stickball bat.

Vito says he’s never seen so many good-looking Italians in his life. Vito does not know when Russo became such an asshole. Vito says he has big balls. Mike Sanders has a mic, of course. He calls everyone trailer trash homeless bums. How can you be homeless if you live in a trailer? Vito accused the Thrillers of jerking each other off. Sanders says it’s going to be all 5 of them against Vito. The problem is that there are 6 guys. What a shit show. The Thrillers hit a fucked-up 3D. O’Hare and Jindrak do some awful looking offense. Stasiak might be the best guy in there. This is just a complete mess. Vito tries to do a good comeback, but there are just too many damn guys in the ring. The Thrillers win an absolute mess. I hate everyone in this match not named Vito. I remember at the time people loved the Thrillers. They all suck, and if you liked them you retroactively suck.

Kronik, Booker and Sting are with wet Pam. Where’s Goldberg? These three say that they are a team and are going to work together to beat up Russo’s team. No one makes a comment about the belt.

Tony says, “where’s Goldberg?” At least I’m not the only one paying attention. They still have the two minute intervals for this War Games. Jarrett is out first. Why wouldn’t he just climb right to the top? Oh, they said that they could do that. Ok. But they don’t. Sting and Jarrett start. There are ladders in the cage. I guess to climb up to the other, less safe cages. The announcers are trying to claim that the babyfaces might be tired because they wrestled earlier. Their matches were all less than like 3 minutes. I think they will be fine. Sting and Jarrett actually have some nice back and forth for two minutes. Most enjoyable thing on the show. Steiner is out next and he is wearing a face mask. He must have a busted nose, but the announcers are surprised he is wearing it. Because why would they know. This continues to be enjoyable with Steiner and Jarrett double teaming Sting. Kronik are third. I guess Kronik can come out as one entity? Well, if you combine their talent, they might have the talent of one bad pro wrestler, so I guess that’s allowed. Steiner climbs to the second level and gets bolt cutters? He uses the bolt cutters to escape the second cage. Now Kronik are on the second floor with him. That’s terrifying. The footing is awful up there, and it’s not like any of these three guys are super graceful.

Kronik ram Steiner into the roof of the second cage, and Vince Russo makes his way out next. With some racists. At least they stay outside. Whoops, spoke to soon. They are climbing up to the second level and beat up Kronik. There are weapons in the second cage? Since when? No one mentioned anything about that. Kronik and the Harris Twins do awful garbage brawling. Sting hits a Stinger Splash on Russo and locks him in the Deathlock. This is fucking atrocious. This was fun for 4 minutes and quickly became awful. The traditional awful WCW camera work doesn’t help. Nash is out next. Wasn’t Russo the last guy out? If there are teams, why is he out next? Nash comes in and helps Steiner up. Nash chokeslams Sting. He goes to chokeslam Russo, but Steiner and Nash talk him out of it. The Harris Twins and Kronik are in the crowd now!! This is just too much. This is more confusing than World War 3.

Booker T comes out while Nash, Steiner and Jarrett argue. Compelling TV. Booker T cleans out and delivers an axe kick to Russo. Nash waits and hits a big boot to Booker T. How did Steiner end up back on the first level? When did Kronik and the Harris Twins disappear into the crowd? Are they still in the match? Goldberg is out last, and he starts laying into Steiner and Jarrett. He almost gets Russo, but Steiner and Jarrett save him. Russo gets a baseball bat that he had brought out (forgot about that) and waffles Goldberg with it. Booker makes his way to the second level.

Goldberg is now handcuffed to the ropes. Where did the handcuffs come from? Who fucking knows. Now Steiner and Sting start making their way to the second level. As does Jarrett. Nash is just standing at the bottom doing jack shit. Love it. Probably the highest paid guy in the match and he is just standing there. Apparently, the story is that he is standing by the door waiting to beat up whoever comes down with the belt. Not a bad plan. Booker makes it to the top and gets the belt. That is unreasonably high off the ground. The crowd pops because they think he won. No one bothered to explain the rules to the live crowd. Madden actually makes a great point about someone putting the belt on and wearing it on the way down to have both hands free to fight. Might be the only good thing he ever said on commentary. Sting is handcuffed as well. All of a sudden, he’s handcuffed. And Jarrett hits Booker with a mystery guitar. Now they are handcuffing Booker T. Steiner has the belt. I had to pause this to get caught up. My brain feels like it might explode!!

Steiner drops the belt down to Russo. Russo decides to taunt Goldberg with the belt and he holds it over his head. The Cat runs down, because why not, and he kicks Russo. Now Cat celebrates. Nash comes in and sticks Cat with a jackknife. Nash gets his belt. Goldberg breaks out of the cuffs!! The crowd is finally excited. Goldberg beats the hell out of team Russo. Goldberg grabs the belt and now he poses with it. As he goes to make his way out of the door, Bret Hart of all people slams the door on Goldberg’s head. Jarrett throws the belt back in the ring. Tony Schiavone is losing his fucking mind. Nash and Russo hug and Russo hands the belt to Nash. The announcers yell about this being a swerve all along. Suddenly the announcers are saying this was a plan all along. So, the plan was to put the belt in a crazy ass situation where one of 11 or so guys could leave with it because Bret Hart would show up if Goldberg tried to walk out with the belt? What? This fucking show.

This was awful. This reminded me what I hate about pro wrestling. And his name is Vince Russo, bro. Fucking gross. If you have any feedback, or suggestions for future shows, or anything, let me know on Twitter @OMGlancy or via email at tglancy@gmail.com. And fuck Vince Russo.