And here we are at WCW Bash at the Beach 1999. Man, if you think WWE is bad right now you need to watch this shit. It is just so bad. The original main event was just a tag match with Kevin Nash and Sting vs Sid Vicious and Randy Savage. But now the WCW Title is on the line. And yes, Sting could pin Nash and win the Title despite being his tag partner. Nash doesn’t trust Sting because he saw Sting in the Hummer and assumes it was Sting driving it when it hit Nash in the limo. But the Fake Sting is also back. Meanwhile, Nash kidnapped Gorgeous George and at one point agreed to exchange her for his Title that Sid took. On Thunder they did a scene on a sketchy street for the exchange but it backfired. This lead to Savage freaking out on Gorgeous George and pretty much asking if Nash slept with her. This is also where Torrie Wilson is corpsing and the scene you see in Botchamania. Got all that?
The rest of WCW is a giant mess. Goldberg and Hogan aren’t around. Neither is Scott Steiner. David Flair is being shoved down our throats and he shouldn’t be. WCW had talent but didn’t know how to make them stars like the WWF was doing. It is just god awful TV at the moment.
Tony Schiavone, Bobby Heenan and Mean Gene are all dressed in god awful Hawaiian shirts. My favorite bartender at my local dive bar looks better in them.
Mike Tenay is at a local junkyard where they are having a hardcore invitational. Ric Flair banned all hardcore matches because he was probably sick of watching shitty Brian Knobbs matches. Tenay says even non WCW wrestlers could show up. I mean, if I were them I would show up to watch this clown show too.
The Cat Ernest Miller vs Disco Inferno
Phew. Miller fought Jerry Flynn on Nitro and I was getting really nervous he was going to be on this show. The original stipulation was the loser couldn’t dance, but Miller and Disco fought to get that stip taken out. Miller confronts Disco and says they are going to have a dance contest. At this point I would take that over having to watch Miller wrestle.
Miller dances and looks like someone having a seizure. That’s why when I dance at weddings I always hold a drink in my hand. That way if I look awful people just think I’m drunk. Miller attacks Disco when Disco starts dancing. Miller does the same trash talking over and over again. It is just like Jinder Mahal’s promos nowadays.
These two have a match. I wasn’t paying attention to most of it. Miller hits Disco with his dancing shoe and gets the win.
Mark Madden interviews Judge Mills Lane and says Roddy Piper vs Buff Bagwell in a boxing match is crazier than Tyson/Holyfield. That might be the most outrageous thing Madden has ever said. I wonder how much money WCW wasted on Lane.
TV Title Match: Rick Steiner (c) vs Van Hammer
Oh god, Van Hammer. This might be the only Title match he ever received in WCW. As I said last time, Van Hammer is the most useless wrestler of all time. He was with WCW for almost ten years and never did jack shit besides put on awful wrestling matches. Scott Steiner isn’t around right now because of an injury so Rick just isn’t as entertaining on his own. Heenan says Van Hammer is one of the hottest people in the business right now and he can do anything if he stays focused. Heenan must have been on the bottle early tonight.
We’re two minutes in and I’m surprised the crowd hasn’t flocked to the bathrooms and concession stands yet. Rick hits a DDT on the floor and tries to pin Van Hammer. Why? Rick has been wrestling for over 10 years at this point. How does he not know the rules? This is such an ugly, disorganized brawl that Rick finally wins with the top rope bulldog. At least Rick knew to pin Van Hammer in the ring this time.
United States Championship Match: David Flair (c) vs Dean Malenko
David Flair should have never gone into wrestling. He just wasn’t made for it. He had no charisma and in 1999 was way too green in the ring. Wrestling talent is not genetically transmitted (or as AJ Lee said, sexually transmitted). Torrie Wilson comes out and man, WCW Torrie Wilson was fucking hot. Not that she still isn’t, but this was when she was her best.
Dean Malenko sighs, knowing he has to try and carry David Flair to a respectable match. Tony Schiavone says at some point down the road the Flairs are going to look at this match and be embarrassed by it. I would say present time would show that. Anyways everyone interferes. Arn takes out the ref with a spinebuster. Charles Robinson puts on the ref shirt. Malenko puts Asya in the Texas Cloverleaf. Ric hits Malenko with the belt and David wins. Poor Dean Malenko had to put on his gear for this. The best part was Torrie Wilson.
The West Texas Rednecks vs The No Limit Soldiers
If you remember from last time I told you WCW wasted a shit tone of money on the No Limit Soldiers for some reason. Hennig and the Rednecks were at least semi entertaining. But during their “concert” on the Nitro before the show Windham was “Playing” the drums and not even touching them. They cut to a sign that says “Rap Is Crap But Country Is Worse.” Wouldn’t that not support either team? Why would you cut to that?
This is an elimination match. Rey is the Cruiserweight Champion but I can’t remember the last time he defended it. Konnan cuts the same promo he always cut in WCW. Wait, when did Brad Armstrong join the No Limit Soliders? I’m assuming once they realized all of the jacked steroid freaks in the Soldiers couldn’t wrestle worth shit. Most of these guys are decent workers so the action isn’t terrible. Even Swoll isn’t terrible. There are two guys from the Soldiers on the outside that beat up each Redneck when they get eliminated. Why I have no idea. Barry Windham gets carried out by Konnan for some reason so we get down to Hennig vs Rey and Swoll. Rey gets on Swoll’s shoulders and falls off for a dive and the win. Honestly not a bad match.
Ric Flair banned hardcore wrestling so Hak “hacked” the Nitro feed before and challenged anyone to come out and fight him in a junkyard. There is a ring of cars surrounding everyone and I don’t know what the rules are. The camera work here is just awful. Oh god, there’s Jerry Flynn. If this match couldn’t get any worse.
Ok, Tony Schiavone says the winner has to get to the gate. Schiavone says it is hard to pick a favorite here. It is hard for me to pick out five of these guys in the actual match. The over head camera shot from a helicopter is pointless. You can’t make out shit. La Parka is there. He should just dance on a car the whole time. I hope the owners of this junkyard got a good pay day from this. If they knew anything about WCW, I bet they got a good chunk of change. Someone jumps off a pile of cars onto five guys. It was originally three until Hak has to tell the other two guys to come over, which visible and audible on camera. Hugh Morrus throws Silver King on a car and King gets glass in his shoulder, and he tells Hugh to not attack him anymore, also visibly on camera.
So if Ric Flair banned all hardcore wrestling in WCW, isn’t anyone who participated in this in breach of contract? Even if it is non sanctioned, they could get injured which would void their contracts. Hak throws Finlay in the trunk of a car. Then some random worker picks it up in a forklift and moves it to the crusher. Finlay escapes before it happens. A car explodes for some reason and Finlay escapes and wins. I wonder if he passed down that trophy to Hornswoggle.
WCW Tag Team Championship Match: The Jersey Triad (c) vs Chris Benoit and Perry Saturn
This might be the first WCW PPV of 1999 with two good matches on it. Of course the sad thing about this match is that three of the guys are dead and one (Saturn) is in really rough shape the last time I saw anything about him. You know what I noticed? The camera keeps walking around to sections of the crowd making them think they are on TV so they can react. But guess what? They aren’t. And I’m pretty sure WCW is just doing this to make it seem like the crowd is interested in matches. Of course, if WCW did a better job building their undercard guys this wouldn’t be a problem.
The wrestling is okay so far. But WCW crowds in the mid-90s didn’t appreciate good wrestling. So they are entertained by a beach ball in the crowd because they are a bunch of idiots. The problem is a lot of rest holds so far. Benoit gets the hot tag but the crowd is still pissed at whoever took away the beach ball. So after DDP took out Benoit he gets on the railing and yells at the crowd. I mean at this point if all five guys walked out on the match would WCW even do anything to them? The crowd gets behind Benoit a little but then goes back to chanting about the beach ball incident. You couldn’t have done this during the Junkyard Invitational? Saturn gets a tag but the crowd is too busy chanting asshole at someone in the crowd.
Oh look there is Tye Dye Guy with signs saying his name on it. You know what people are really fucking lame? People that make signs with their name saying they are cool. Also people that make blow ups of their faces and bring them to shows. Here comes the typical WCW ending. Ref bump. Saturn gets powder in the eyes. Benoit gets a couple near falls but the ref gets knocked out again and the Jersey Triad use weapons galore to get the win. The crowd took away from all enjoyment of that match.
Boxing Match: Roddy Piper vs Buff Bagwell w/Mills Lane as Ref
This happens because boxing matches always work out so well in a wrestling ring. Maybe Bart Gunn can do a run in and take out both men. Oh great, Judy Bagwell is in the corner of Buff. It still amazes me how much Bagwell is over at this point. The first round happens. Piper knocks down Bagwell once I guess. Flair sprays something on Piper’s gloves in between rounds. Whatever it was effects Buff’s vision. Piper attacks before the third round starts. Judy bites Piper’s ear and dumps the bucket on his head. Buff takes out Ric then hits the Blockbuster on Piper for the three count. A Boxing match just ended with a three count pinfall. HAHAHAHA.
Kevin Nash and Sting vs Randy Savage and Sid Vicious
For some reason they don’t show in the video package the real Sting coming out and beating up the Fake Sting, then taking a powerbomb from Nash. Madusa is still out here dressing like the mom trying to look twenty year younger than she is and doing a bad job at it. Sting looks so disinterested. I think Gorgeous George has a black eye but the announcers fail to even mention it as she walks over to the side of Nash. Four times they’ve cut to her eye on camera in a minute and nothing. Did I miss something?
We are five minutes in and Nash hasn’t left the apron. Sting is doing all the work for his team. If I were Sting I’d pin him the second I walked into the ring. Nash finally gets in and gets some offense in. Sting misses a splash on the outside and goes into the guardrail. After getting worked over again Nash gets another hot tag. Two hot tags and no quad tears! Sting hits Stinger Splashes on everyone, even Nash accidentally. Gorgeous George comes in and low blows Nash, but she misses the first time so she resets and does it again. Savage drops the elbow and wins to win the WCW Title.
Well that was a show. It was just like every other WCW PPV of 1999: A couple of decent matches but a lot of shit. The main event is full of overpaid, overused and over the hill guys who can barely go anymore. And to think it only gets worse from here on out!
Until Next Time,
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