Vince Russo is gone, so now WCW is just plain boring instead of being boring and awful and just plain crazy. The nWo, which reformed at the end of 1999, is already dead. Bret Hart is still not cleared to wrestle (and never would be again). Jeff Jarrett is now the center piece of WCW so you know it is now truly awful. And their top face is Sid. Hulk Hogan came back because Lex Luger, sorry the Total Package, just randomly name dropped him a couple times. And Terry Funk and Ric Flair are fighting each other ten years after their last great match together. So WCW is just throwing darts at a wall now.
We start with Jeff Jarrett coming out of Commissioner Kevin Nash’s office. Apparently he is interim commissioner again after beating up Kevin Nash and says the Harris Brothers can now be at his side again. Could you imagine three worse people in one grouping?
Next we get a run down of the card. Nothing stands out. Mark Madden thinks Ric Flair and Terry Funk can top their match from ten years ago. I got a laugh out of that one. Big T is fighting Booker for the rights of the Harlem Heat name. He’s not Booker T anymore because Big T (Ahmed Johnson) won ownership of the letter T.
WCW Cruiserweight Title Tournament Finals: Lash Leroux vs The Artist Formerly Known As Prince Iaukea
Prince Iaukea was boring as shit, and this new character is as dumb as shit. Leroux smacks Paisley’s ass before the match so the Artist attacks him. Paisley just starts standing on the apron half way through the match and apparently Charles Robinson just doesn’t care. The crowd doesn’t care about this match either. The Artist blocks a hurricarrana off the top with the help of Paisley then jumps into a DDT off the top for the win and becomes the new Cruiserweight Champion. Next.
WCW Hardcore Championship: Bam Bam Bigelow (c) vs Brian Knobbs
Being friends with Hulk Hogan is always a benefit because Knobbs still has a job in WCW. He’s the drizzling shits. And Bam Bam just doesn’t care anymore. WCW never did anything good with their hardcore division outside of Norman Smiley. Finlay is already out to distract Bigelow so Knobbs hits him with a trash can lid. They quickly go into the crowd to fight like every other WCW hardcore match. Back in the ring Bigelow puts Knobbs through a table then hit the Greetings From Asbury Park. But Bigelow stupidly goes to the top, gets distracted by Finlay, then pushed off by Knobbs. Knobbs gets the pin and is the new Hardcore Champ.
Three Count vs Norman Smiley
The thing that pisses me off the most about the Network? THEY CUT OUT THREE COUNT’S MUSIC AND PERFORMANCES! Listen, I will pay whatever fees needed to keep these on the Network. The true great boy band of the 2000s can’t have their music passed on to future generations.
Smiley injured his ribs on Wednesday and now has them all taped up. A few minutes into the match 3 Count rips of Jerry Rice’s jersey and works on the ribs of Smiley. Karagias and Helms hit two top rope moves then Shannon Moore applies the Boston Crab and Smiley taps. These first three matches are too short to amount to anything.
Special Main Event Match: The Demon vs The Wall
So why is this billed as a “Special Main Event Match” you ask? Well, when Eric Bischoff signed the contract with KISS to promote this character, it was put into the contract that the Demon character must have a main event match on PPV. The original idea was to do a show on New Year’s Eve called with a KISS concert as well. The main event was going to be Vampiro vs The Demon in a really weird match. Look it up if you want the details.
The Wall doesn’t come out to start so the Demon stupidly goes to look for him, and he gets attacked by the Wall. The Wall gets some of the Demon’s fake blood on his shirt and now he probably has to go to a dry cleaner to get it off. So far this match is a power move, rest, power move, rest. The Wall goes to the top and the Demon tries to press slam him but the Wall practically lands on his head coming off the top. The Demon goes to the top but the Wall grabs him and chokeslams him off the top for the win. Hogan is in the back hoping the Wall is his next big big man feud, brother.
Skins Match: Tank Abbott vs Big Al
The story here: Big Al was Tank Abbott’s former bodyguard and he isn’t happy Tank is in WCW. So they hung Tank’s UFC jacket on a pole and the first person to get to it wins.
Big Al and Tank tie their right hands to each other and hit each other with their left hands because reasons. Big Al drops Tank then stands on his face. Tank gets pissed off and starts throwing fists. Tank puts Big Al on his shoulders and tries climbing the corner with him but drops him at the top. Tank grabs the jacket, then a knife out of the pocket and tells Big Al he could fucking kill him right now. That was obviously not suppose to happen, as the camera cuts away almost immediately from Tank.
Big T vs Booker
Only WCW would sign Ahmed Johnson three years after his prime. He is so blown up here. I’m surprised he can even get into the ring. This match is also for the rights to the Harlem Heat name. Stevie Ray was upset Booker forgot about the hood, where he grew up. That’s why they broke up.
Booker has been coming out to music you would hear in a Looney Tunes cartoon. Booker goes for a backdrop and Big T barely gets up to take it. Stevie Ray grabs the leg of Booker in the ropes as the ref for some reason looks out to the other side of the crowd. Big T looks like he is ready to pass out. Booker hits the ax kick and follows it up with the Harlem side kick. Booker hits the missile drop kick but then the lights go out. Everyone thinks it is Midnight but it is some other large black man. Big T then hits the Pearl River Plunge and gets the win. How many more out of shape people can WCW add to the new Harlem Heat?
Billy Kidman vs Vamprio
Man, WCW Torrie Wilson was fiiinnnnneeee. Not that she wasn’t bad looking later in life, but this is peak Torrie. Vampiro dropkicks Kidman into Torrie early and knocks her off the apron. Vampiro gets a chair and goes to hit Torrie but Kidman stops him. Torrie is up about 30 seconds later not selling the affects of it. Mark Madden says in a year this match will be for the US Title and two years for the World Title. Oh Mark, you are such the optimist. Vampiro hits a double powerbomb for two. They go to the top where Kidman hits a Scorpion Death Drop like DDT off the top for the win. That came abruptly. It seemed like the match was building up to its next stage and then just ended with that move.
WCW Tag Title Sicilian Stretcher Match: The Mamalukes w/Disco Inferno vs David Flair and Crowbar w/Daffney
This match is happening because David Flair, Crowbar and Daffney interrupted Big Vito’s sister’s wedding. The wedding and reception happened to be happening backstage at a WCW show because why wouldn’t it! Crowbar hits a crossbody over the top onto Johnny the Bull on a stretcher. The point of the match is to take both men up the stage on a stretcher. Daffney comes in and hits a hurricarrana on Johnny the Bull. They keep tearing apart the only stretcher in the entire match. Disco gets sprayed with mace. Big Vito powerbombs Crowbar through a table. The Mamalukes tape David Flair to the stretcher then have the refs take him up the ramp. Who do the Mamalukes think they are, Kevin Nash? Crowbar gets set up on a table on the outside and Big Vito just makes it to him off the top. They now tape Crowbar to the stretcher and then go and put Daffney in a wheelchair. This time the refs take Crowbar only halfway up and take away a taped Daffney for the win.
Ugh. The Cat has been saying he has James Brown here all night. They are pals. The Cat makes fun of some people then brings out James Brown but it is actually a James Brown impersonator. The Cat thinks he is real. The Maestro with Symphony comes out and says now The Cat has to be his servant. This is so stupid. They look ready to fight, then the real James Brown comes out and dances with The Kat as the Maestro faints. How much money did WCW waste for this one off stupid segment? Probably a lot.
Texas Death Match: Terry Funk vs Ric Flair
Funk comes out with Dustin Rhodes. The rules are after a pinfall, you have until the count of ten to get up. Flair lands some chops in the corner but Funk counters to some left hands as Flair bails. Lots of stalling early on. Funk gets the first fall on the floor but Flair gets up. Flair kicks Funk right in the nuts. He then lands some weak chair shots to Funk’s knees. The announcers are trying to sell the silence as the fans being shocked by the brutality. LOL okay. Funk gives up quickly to the Figure Four but then gets up. Funk hits a piledriver on the outside mats then goes for one on the exposed concrete but misses. He still gets the pin anyways but Flair gets up. Yawwnnnnnn.
Funk sets up a table in the ring then piledrives Flair through it. Funk keeps pulling Flair up during pins. Flair pushes Funk through a table and gets a pin and Funk can’t get up so Flair wins. What a snooze fest. There’s no way these two could even come close to their 89 match and anyone who thought so should be ashamed.
The Total Package vs Hulk Hogan
Of course Hogan has to go on second last brother. He also gets the Michael Buffer treatment as well. Hogan had his arm broke last week by the Package as well. Luger for some reason is failing to capitalize on that in the early going. Hogan blocks a Luger punch with the cast and it hurts Luger. That is why you should have kicked Hogan! Liz hits Hogan with the bat. Jimmy Hart comes out and takes the bat away from Liz. Luger goes to Rack Hogan but Hogan starts to Hulk up. Hulk gets the weight belt but Luger hits a low blow. Jimmy Hart hits Luger with his cast then Hulk hits the leg drop for the win.
Flair comes out and attacks Hogan and Jimmy Hart. Sting finally makes his return and saves Hogan. And we are back to 1997 WCW just like that.
WCW Championship: Sid Vicious (c) vs Jeff Jarrett vs Scott Hall
Hall and Jarrett start fighting before Sid comes out. Why is that even allowed? Sid comes out and clears the ring. The Harris Brothers pull down Sid and crotch him in the corner so Hall and Jarrett go back to fighting. Jarrett and Hall exchange rights. Jarrett then accidentally clotheslines the ref in a No DQ match so I have no idea why that spot is necessary. Sid hits a double chokeslam as Nick Patrick comes out. Jarrett then takes out Nick Patrick for who knows what reason and I’m left here scratching my head. Sid takes out the Harris Brothers with a chair and Jarrett now takes out the next two refs. THIS IS SO FUCKING STUPID. Jarrett’s own ref, Mark Johnson, comes out. Now I get it but it is still stupid. Hall hits the Outsiders Edge but Johnson stops counting after two. Jarrett cracks Hall over the head with a guitar. Roddy Piper comes out and stops the ref’s three count. Sid chokeslams Jarrett then powerbombs Hall and Piper counts three for the win.
Boring, nothing show. The last two matches, hell three matches show that WCW had no idea how to make new stars. They all have stars from the early 1990s at the top still with no one worthy to challenge them. That’ll change in a few months, but it is botched to high heaven. I can’t even think of one redeeming quality from this show. No standout moments. No standout matches. It goes to show that WCW didn’t know how to recover once the WWE started to beat them in the Monday Night War.
Until Next Time,
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